Wednesday, June 2, 2010

struggling, but NOT giving up

It's my third week of working full-time again and I just have to say...

I love my job!

The job is demanding & stressful - but it keeps me super busy and this girl loves to be busy ;)

And I have to say that it's really nice to be back in the "real world" again and socializing with people rather than stuck at home with just me and the ed thoughts all day. Plus, there are really cute guys at my work and maybe soon - when my self-esteem and self-confidence are a little less broken, I might just get the courage to start dating again.

Now, we all know by now, that my first week back at work was... well... let's just say it was rough and leave it at that. But these past two weeks have been... better(?) I guess it all depends on how you perceive the word better. So let's break it down for a moment:

The positive things about these past two weeks are:

* I have been trying to eat more

* I have been trying to exercise (and move around) less
which isn't too hard because I am exhausted by the time I get home from work so the only times I am struggling with trying to not exercise are in the mornings when I first get up and on the weekends.

* I love my co-workers and we have a good time together at work and laugh a lot. I love being there!! I love that it is a great way to distract myself from all the crap in my life. Did I mention that I love my job! lol.

* The water-retention & bloating has not been any worse than it usually is
meaning there has been no freak attacks like what happened that first week...

* The healthy jenn has decided that she doesn't want to give up on and let go of recovery!
it seems like every time I feel like giving up - that healthy girl inside of me won't let me give up, and I am so thankful for that part of me! I am thankful that I am able to realize that I do want more in my life than the ed and that there is a life out there waiting for me to reach out and grab onto! If only I can not only grab onto it but hang on to it and not let it go!!!

*I am relieved and excited that I am making my own money again(!) and not having to rely on government assistance anymore...
which means that I am going to actually be able to have a life and go out with friends because I won't be broke anymore! Yippee!!


The negative things about these past two weeks are:

*Even though I am trying to eat more, I am still not eating enough
not only to gain weight but to even just make it through the day : (

* I am so exhausted by the time I get home that I don't do much in the evenings other than watch tv and sleep... lame, I know

*I have completely cut off all my emotions (and all the things that have happened recently) and I refuse to acknowledge them
because I am afraid I will fall apart like I did that first week - and it's the only way I am able to cope right now. I need to focus on my new job without worrying about falling apart or crying over the emotional feelings that are trying to drown me and suffocate me.

* Last week I completely and totally fell off the wagon when it comes to my caffeine abstinence (oops!)
because I need the caffeine and energy pills to have enough energy to get me through the day. but... this week I have tried to do better at that - because I know that if I keep it up I am just setting myself up for some more wicked health problems. I keep trying to remind myself that there is a reason why not just one, but two of my doctors told me I had to stop drinking my beloved caffeine. They aren't just banning me from caffeine to be mean - there is a reason and I need to accept that!

*I haven't done much to find a new therapist and dietitian. And I haven't made any recent appointments with my primary doctor either
because work keeps me super busy all day and I am playing the "I don't have time" card right now with this whole situation...

*I feel so behind on everyone's blogs and I feel out of touch with everyone because I am so busy during the day and then too tired at night to drive out to the library to get online. I try to catch up on the weekends... but I apologize that I haven't commented on people's blogs lately : (
I really need to get me a new laptop!!! And now that I have a job again, hopefully I can get one soon! Fingers crossed!!

And finally, I am going to end this post by saying... thank God for the weekends because this girl needs them to rest and re-charge!
And to show you just how tired my mind is by the end of the day - it took me two & a half hours (!) to write this post!


  1. 2 and a half hours WOW. You really need to recharge. Keep looking for the positive. and get some much needed rest.

  2. Yea!!! I am so glad you like your job!!! Can't wait to see you soon!