Wednesday, July 7, 2010

change of plans!

Tomorrow, there is a BBQ during the lunch hours at my work. Normally I would just not go. I would just avoid it. Pretend it's not happening. And just eat my safe food that I brought from home - if I even brought lunch that day - just being honest here... But, I have decided that I am going to use this as my food challenge this week instead of the previously planned 3 donettes. Why the change? Because I think - no, I know - this will challenge me more. And, social events and eating in front of others are things I struggle a lot with. Also, the reason I am even willing to consider this is because over the past couple of months I have been pushing myself to eat fear foods at family BBQ's and get-togethers. So I have already, kind of been working on this. Yes, eating with my family is a lot different. But, I think I am ready to face this challenge.

I probably won't eat it in front of my coworkers (most of them eat their lunches at their desk - but when I take my lunch breaks I usually go outside where I am by myself). But I don't know. Maybe tomorrow, I will find some inner strength to sit at my desk and eat these nerve-wracking foods I am going to try to eat. But I don't want to push myself too much... baby steps, like we planned. Also, I don't want to eat something that will cause major anxiety because I will still be at work at have to function for the rest of the day without the anxiety (or urges to purge) consuming me all afternoon. Because that has happened when my mom has had lunch with me and I have pushed myself too hard - and then had to go back to work... let's just say, I was an emotional wreck and not very productive for the rest of the work day on these occassions. And at these family meals, I have emotionally freaked out every single time because I pushed myself too hard. I don't want that to happen tomorrow. I can't let that happen tomorrow. So I will be cautious but still challenge myself and push myself. But I will confess that I am already obsessing about what I am going to eat. Eating the food is going to be tough but in order to eat the food... I have to actually put it on my plate!

3 comments:

  1. I think this is a great challenge for you! Good luck!

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  2. Sounds like an admirable challenge. It has helped me to decide what i will have and how much before just putting a bunch on my plate. it helps me to feel less overwhelmed. Tomorrow, think of all the other people with EDs in the world who are facing their food at the same time. Together, we will all take the first bite of our lunch. You may be alone - but you're not alone in your struggles or in your goals. You/We will do this!

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  3. This is what I am currently struggling with this next week coming up. There's a dinner I'm invited to as part of my church calling on Tuesday and I'm REALLY fighting with myself and ED over what to do. Obviously I know I should challenge myself and go but that ED voice is just... ughh.. But after reading this it gave me some hope. If you got through your BBQ all in one piece then I can get through my dinner, can't I? I can, I'm just going to keep telling myself that.
    By the way, just realized you were from Utah too! I'm from Provo so that's kind of cool. :)
    Anyways thanks for posting this (even though it was a few months ago I realize.) It really has helped me. Hopefully I'll still have that strength come Tuesday night.

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