Wednesday, December 15, 2010

just a quick little update

I didn't have therapy yesterday because my therapist is out this week, but I did have a doctor's appointment yesterday. And it went really well in regards to my weight and my labs. I have gained a couple more pounds and am now just a few more pounds away from my goal weight. And then, the plan is for me to work really hard at maintaining that weight (as that has always been a struggle for me throughout my recovery). I want to be happy. I want to be proud of myself for finally getting myself back up to a healthy weight. But I am struggling with that because what I mostly feel is panic, embarrassment, fear, & guilt... I am not the "jenn" that I am used to. My face and my body look different. My body feels different...feels fat. And I don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. At all!  

But...

I am trying so very very hard to stay positive and rational about it all. I am constantly trying to remind myself of all the positive things about being at a healthy weight & eating properly like...
  • I have the energy to be able to function throughout the day.
  • My mental clarity is so much better.
  • I don't feel like I am going to pass out constantly.
  • My electrolytes are more in balance.
  • I am actually present in conversations and in daily life instead of a walking "zombie."
  • I am not so dang freezing cold all of the time.
  • My hair & skin is looking a lot better.
  • My body is healing and becoming stronger every day.
We also talked about all the health problems I have because of the ed. My labs are looking a lot better! Some of the health problems are improving. Some are slowly improving but not quite there yet. And some won't. Ever. But the important thing to remember right now is that I am getting stronger and healthier every day, and even though there is a lot of permanent damage that I have caused my body... there are some things that can and are getting better. And I am grateful for that. I am alive, and I am thriving! And I am waking up to life again!

Also, I am going back to my old support group tonight. I haven't been there since earlier this year. And I really shouldn't have stopped going considering the horrible relapse I had over the summer but... I was running away. It was around that time that my previous therapist had "abandoned" me (if you have followed this blog for a while, you know what I am talking about regarding that whole situation...) and I had a lot of hurt feelings and so, I completely quite treatment. Therapist, dietician, doctors, groups - I stopped everything. Because I was hurt. I was angry. I was so tired of having non-stop intensive treatment for so long and it didn't seem like it was going to end anytime soon... and when my therapist "peaced-out" on me - that was kind of the final straw.

But I am not going to go into all of this again because it's in the past and I am trying to let go of that whole situation and move forwards! So, I am not going to talk about that right now. And besides, I have a new therapist that I have been seeing since the beginning of the fall and I think she will be really good for me - as long as I am able and "willing" to open up and do the work I need to do in my recovery treatment plan.

So I am excited to see old friends (and meet new ones) tonight at group! I am excited to get more of the support that I need from groups again. And hopefully, be able to support the other girls there too. Recovery is about letting people in, and letting people help you - not pushing them away and trying to do it on your own. I have learned that the hard way too many times. You show strength when you ask for help, not weakness!

3 comments:

  1. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I understand the thoughts and I understand how hard it is....it's those thoughts that are the worse part of ED. but you alway have the back up healthy voice that you know and hear :)

    Stay strong, you've got this babe!!!!
    xoxo
    -Lisa

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  2. You sound like you're doing amazing things! Keep it up girl! :) HUGS!!!

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  3. This post is so true! Asking for help is a strong thing to do, not a weak one. I'm so glad that you're feeling healthier - those things inspire me to keep up my own fight.

    Stay strong!

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