Wednesday, December 8, 2010

my current treatment plan

Yesterday in therapy we talked about all the progress that I have been making these past few months, and my therapist said that as long as I am maintaining and continuing to make progress with the rest of the weight that I need to gain to reach my goal weight/ my body's natural set point she is okay with this continuing to be my treatment plan:

  • seeing her once a week
  • only seeing my doctor once or twice a month,
  • start going to a couple of groups every week again (to get that added support & motivation I need to keep me moving forward)
  • and she is okay with me not seeing a dietician right now
but if I start to slip too much... then she says that will all change! And I have to say, that is really has felt strange to be cutting back on my treatment schedule as drastically as I have, because ever since I started my recovery - I have, at the most intense been inpatient, and at the least intense been seeing a therapist, dietician, & doctor every single week (along with a couple of groups every week). But... she feels, and I feel like I am doing okay enough, and I am stable & strong enough mentally and physically to continue my treatment plan the way I have been for the past little bit. So it's good. It's really good! It gives me confidence to know that I have been able to do as well as I have been without needing the intense treatment that I am so used to.

I have gained a little over 20 pounds since the end of the summer, and I only have about 5 to 6 more pounds to go before I am at my treatment team's goal weight for me. And let me just say that this has not been easy. At all! It has been a rough few months, and I would be lying if I said that I was comfortable with this weight gain. I am struggling so much with my body image, and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not consumed with the thoughts of wanting to lose this weight... but I am holding on, I am leaning on friends, family, & my treatment team for support - and I hope that things will get easier the longer I am able to maintain this "new healthy" body. But I have been able to push myself and do it, and that is a big deal for me because the last time I able to be at a healthy weight (even though it was only temporary) was August 2008. I just gotta keep fighting, and keep reminding myself that I am allowing my body to reach a healthy weight, that I am allowing my body to heal from all the horrible damage I have caused it, and I choosing recovery and life by letting my body reach a healthy weight.

I have been doing really well with the weight gain and pretty well with the behaviors, but I need to work more on the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder to develop (and continue) in the first place - because if I don't completely allow myself to work through, process, & heal those things - then this progress I am making is not going to last and I will continue to go around in circles... I just really struggle with this because I am not good at coping with and "feeling my feelings." Every time I start to get close to honestly work on the underlying issues - I get too scared and I start to retreat and run away. But if I want to truly be able to let go of the ed and move on with my life, then I need to! And I know that... I am just scared. : (


  1. I"m so proud of you!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Being scared is okay. I feel like I wake up every morning scared shitless.

    You've come so far from when I first started reading your blog. Keep up the amazing work!!!

    Stay strong! You're an inspiration!!


  2. oh dear. Stay strong, and lovely.


  3. Jenn - I'm SOOOO proud of you. :) I'm glad you're writing again!

  4. Just found your blog - thank you so much for all the inspiration!

    Recovery is a scary thing! I am just starting my treatment plan and I am terrified - but we just have to trust that it will all be worth it in the end.

    Keep holding on and stay strong!

  5. thanks SO much for the support and love! I was hesitant to start blogging again, worried that no one would care about little old me but I am glad to be back, and I am glad that y'all are glad ;) Writing is, and always has been, very very therapuetic for me. But I needed to take a little time-out to re-focus on some things.

    Also, sometimes, well, A LOT of the time, it's difficult for me to see the progress I am making (as the ed likes to remind me constantly of how horrible I am - I am sure you know what I am talking about here...) but it's GREAT to have friends in my life who remind me of how far I have come because it makes it a bit easier to "keep on truckin" down the road to this thing called recovery!