Wednesday, December 8, 2010

my current treatment plan

Yesterday in therapy we talked about all the progress that I have been making these past few months, and my therapist said that as long as I am maintaining and continuing to make progress with the rest of the weight that I need to gain to reach my goal weight/ my body's natural set point she is okay with this continuing to be my treatment plan:

  • seeing her once a week
  • only seeing my doctor once or twice a month,
  • start going to a couple of groups every week again (to get that added support & motivation I need to keep me moving forward)
  • and she is okay with me not seeing a dietician right now
but if I start to slip too much... then she says that will all change! And I have to say, that is really has felt strange to be cutting back on my treatment schedule as drastically as I have, because ever since I started my recovery - I have, at the most intense been inpatient, and at the least intense been seeing a therapist, dietician, & doctor every single week (along with a couple of groups every week). But... she feels, and I feel like I am doing okay enough, and I am stable & strong enough mentally and physically to continue my treatment plan the way I have been for the past little bit. So it's good. It's really good! It gives me confidence to know that I have been able to do as well as I have been without needing the intense treatment that I am so used to.

I have gained a little over 20 pounds since the end of the summer, and I only have about 5 to 6 more pounds to go before I am at my treatment team's goal weight for me. And let me just say that this has not been easy. At all! It has been a rough few months, and I would be lying if I said that I was comfortable with this weight gain. I am struggling so much with my body image, and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not consumed with the thoughts of wanting to lose this weight... but I am holding on, I am leaning on friends, family, & my treatment team for support - and I hope that things will get easier the longer I am able to maintain this "new healthy" body. But I have been able to push myself and do it, and that is a big deal for me because the last time I able to be at a healthy weight (even though it was only temporary) was August 2008. I just gotta keep fighting, and keep reminding myself that I am allowing my body to reach a healthy weight, that I am allowing my body to heal from all the horrible damage I have caused it, and I choosing recovery and life by letting my body reach a healthy weight.

I have been doing really well with the weight gain and pretty well with the behaviors, but I need to work more on the underlying issues that caused the eating disorder to develop (and continue) in the first place - because if I don't completely allow myself to work through, process, & heal those things - then this progress I am making is not going to last and I will continue to go around in circles... I just really struggle with this because I am not good at coping with and "feeling my feelings." Every time I start to get close to honestly work on the underlying issues - I get too scared and I start to retreat and run away. But if I want to truly be able to let go of the ed and move on with my life, then I need to! And I know that... I am just scared. : (

6 comments:

  1. I"m so proud of you!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Being scared is okay. I feel like I wake up every morning scared shitless.

    You've come so far from when I first started reading your blog. Keep up the amazing work!!!

    Stay strong! You're an inspiration!!

    xoxo
    -Lisa

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  2. oh dear. Stay strong, and lovely.



    LOVE!

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  3. Jenn - I'm SOOOO proud of you. :) I'm glad you're writing again!

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  4. Just found your blog - thank you so much for all the inspiration!

    Recovery is a scary thing! I am just starting my treatment plan and I am terrified - but we just have to trust that it will all be worth it in the end.

    Keep holding on and stay strong!
    -Liz

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  5. thanks SO much for the support and love! I was hesitant to start blogging again, worried that no one would care about little old me but I am glad to be back, and I am glad that y'all are glad ;) Writing is, and always has been, very very therapuetic for me. But I needed to take a little time-out to re-focus on some things.

    Also, sometimes, well, A LOT of the time, it's difficult for me to see the progress I am making (as the ed likes to remind me constantly of how horrible I am - I am sure you know what I am talking about here...) but it's GREAT to have friends in my life who remind me of how far I have come because it makes it a bit easier to "keep on truckin" down the road to this thing called recovery!

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