Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I think things are gonna be okay ; )

I feel like these past two months have really tested me and my strength in recovery. There has been so much chaos in my life that was (and still is) going on that is making me feel like I have no control over my life or some of the things that are happening in it! Which is not a good thing for me. Feeling like I have no control over the things that are happening in my life is a HUGE trigger for me! Which usually results in me running straight back to the eating disorder where I can feel some sense of control over something in my life. Especially this past month, I have been living in a state of almost-constant anxiety, stress, fear, uncertainty... and it was really starting to drain me emotionally, spiritually, physically... It was really putting my recovery to the test.
   
But I think that things are gonna start to slow down, get better, and return to normal in the next couple of weeks. I am hoping and praying that it will. Because I am tired. Exhausted. Emotionally drained. There have been a lot of personal things (and really stressful work things) that have nearly pushed me completely back into the arms of my eating disorder. But somehow, (through a lot of hard work, making sure I go to my treatment appointments & groups, and talking to friends and family when I have really been on the verge of drowning!) I have managed to make it through this really rough period with just a few scrapes & bruises. And I am very grateful for that! Very! And if you know me and know my history, then you know that it is a miracle that I didn't completely relapse during all of this. Because relapsing seems to be my track record during these years of struggling to recover from my eating disorder.


Some of these recent scrapes & bruises that I am talking about are:
  • There are a few behaviors that I did revert back to that I am currently working on trying to stop. 
  • My weight dropped a little. But just a little. Nothing too drastic thank goodness - because gaining (nearly 30 pounds) this past fall/winter was horribly excruciating on me mentally, emotionally and physically. And even though I am super uncomfortable with this current weight that I am trying to maintain, and even though I am really struggling to cope, accept, & love this new body of mine... I don't have the energy right now to start that process all over again. I just don't).
  • Some of my labs are a little off, but I am currently working on getting them back to normal again. And they will if I can stop the behaviors that I am struggling with right now.
  • My emotional self is very fragile but I'm slowly trying to build it's strength up again.
Things are still a struggle. And it's still hard for me to not want to engage or escape into the behaviors that I have used to cope these past two months. And to be honest - I am a bit fearful of letting them go again... but I am actively trying to do things to try to turn these things around. I am just very grateful that I was able to hold onto my recovery as well as I did, and that these scrapes & bruises weren't so much worse!

Sometimes people think that the phrase "One day at a time" is silly or a bit cliche. Let me just say that it's not! It's how I have been trying to live during the past couple of months. And sometimes - that phrase was the thing that got me through the day without completely falling apart. Or even on those days that I did fall apart, that phrase was one of the things that helped give me the courage to keep going. And most days, it was more like "One hour at a time." or even "One moment at a time."

I also need to give a shout-out to my amazing momma who talked me through soooo many tearful & anxiety-filled moments. I feel bad for letting her see me in those moments (even though she has seen and been through so much worse with me!!) But her support, understanding, guidance, and listening ear was very instrumental in helping me think rationally when the eating disorder was screaming in my ear, or calming me down when I was struggling with severe anxiety from the stress & out of control feelings. I love my momma so much!!

5 comments:

  1. god your amazing! your beautiful.

    Dully note that you are seen as such!

    Much love!

    D

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  2. Jenn, I love you! Look at how much improvement you have made from your last stressful time! Way to go! I love you!

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  3. Well done lovely! That's fantastic that you were able to hold on as well as you have. Recovery isn't a straight forward process, otherwise it would be easy, but its great that you didn't fall down the rabbit hole this time and shows how much work you've done and how much you're slowly changing!

    Love ya xo

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  4. This post is so encouraging to me! I can relate to where you are in recovery right now. It is such a slow process that often involves just putting one foot in front of the other. That you didn't run back to the ED behaviors shows how strong you are. Good for you!

    Stay strong!

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  5. My mum was my rock in recovery too.
    Keep trusting her and believing her on the bad days, and eventually, you will feel the same.
    Keep fighting and feel very proud xxxx

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