But I think that things are gonna start to slow down, get better, and return to normal in the next couple of weeks. I am hoping and praying that it will. Because I am tired. Exhausted. Emotionally drained. There have been a lot of personal things (and really stressful work things) that have nearly pushed me completely back into the arms of my eating disorder. But somehow, (through a lot of hard work, making sure I go to my treatment appointments & groups, and talking to friends and family when I have really been on the verge of drowning!) I have managed to make it through this really rough period with just a few scrapes & bruises. And I am very grateful for that! Very! And if you know me and know my history, then you know that it is a miracle that I didn't completely relapse during all of this. Because relapsing seems to be my track record during these years of struggling to recover from my eating disorder.
Some of these recent scrapes & bruises that I am talking about are:
- There are a few behaviors that I did revert back to that I am currently working on trying to stop.
- My weight dropped a little. But just a little. Nothing too drastic thank goodness - because gaining (nearly 30 pounds) this past fall/winter was horribly excruciating on me mentally, emotionally and physically. And even though I am super uncomfortable with this current weight that I am trying to maintain, and even though I am really struggling to cope, accept, & love this new body of mine... I don't have the energy right now to start that process all over again. I just don't).
- Some of my labs are a little off, but I am currently working on getting them back to normal again. And they will if I can stop the behaviors that I am struggling with right now.
- My emotional self is very fragile but I'm slowly trying to build it's strength up again.
Sometimes people think that the phrase "One day at a time" is silly or a bit cliche. Let me just say that it's not! It's how I have been trying to live during the past couple of months. And sometimes - that phrase was the thing that got me through the day without completely falling apart. Or even on those days that I did fall apart, that phrase was one of the things that helped give me the courage to keep going. And most days, it was more like "One hour at a time." or even "One moment at a time."
I also need to give a shout-out to my amazing momma who talked me through soooo many tearful & anxiety-filled moments. I feel bad for letting her see me in those moments (even though she has seen and been through so much worse with me!!) But her support, understanding, guidance, and listening ear was very instrumental in helping me think rationally when the eating disorder was screaming in my ear, or calming me down when I was struggling with severe anxiety from the stress & out of control feelings. I love my momma so much!!