Sunday, January 2, 2011

feeling vunerable

Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed that I am leaning -more than usual- on the ed behaviors to cope with life. And I need to... stop it! (stop it jenn, stop it, stop it!!) I don't know if it's because of the holidays (which are always really tough for me emotionally & coping wise) or if it's because over these past couple of weeks, it seems like a lot of things keep happening, one after another, that is making me feel out of control (which is another thing that I have a really tough time coping with). Sometimes, I get really overwhelmed and the anxiety and fear starts to creep in when I feel out of control with the things that are happening in my life... and that is one of the major reasons why I developed my eating disorder to begin with and it is one of the reasons why I have used it to cope/numb/feel in control of something...(blah, blah, blah - we all know this story.)  Anyways, maybe it's both of these things combined? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am recognizing what is happening. I am admitting it. And now, I need to turn it around asap!

I have therapy this week, and I am also going to two support groups this week. So hopefully this will help me get myself back on track. But I think what scares me the most (and worries me and frustrates me the most) is the fact that it is still so natural, so easy, so comforting for me when I am engaging in behaviors. I am terrified with how natural it seems to be for me to just slip back into my "ed world."

I don't want it to be like this because it makes it harder for me sometimes to see WHY it's so harmful, lonely, deadly... when it feels so safe and I feel like I actually have control over something when my life seems to constantly feel like it's completely out of my control! I don't want to feel this way about the ed. I want to hate it! I want to never want to run back to it ever again! And sometimes, I DO feel this way. Especially over these past few months as I have been working so hard on letting this go and moving forward in my life. But, I still do miss it a lot of the time. I know it sounds messed up to miss something that has hurt me so much, but it's been the constant in my life since I was 13 years old. So maybe, it's okay to grieve it. Maybe, it's okay to be sad and scared, that I am letting it go. Maybe...? 

But I also need to make sure that I recognize it for what it IS. It's the number one killer of all mental illnesses! It destroys peoples lives! It hurts people! And as much as the ed has convinced me and tricked me into believing that is is... it is NOT safe! It is not what I should want to lean on anymore in my life! I need to remember these things when I start to slip so I can see the ed for what it truly IS and not what it has disguised itself as for all of these years. 

4 comments:

  1. The holidays seem to be difficult for a lot of people- including me and I think it's around this time that we all need to be a good support to each other. You're so inspiring all the time. I've taken some of our blog posts and sent them to my friends in the hospital for treatment because you've honestly written so beautiful posts! Know how inspiring you are and you know the true. ED is a killer- you're right- it destroys lives and you're stronger than that.

    xoxo
    -Lisa

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  2. The last few weeks of December are extremely difficult for me too. A lot of struggling. I hope things will get better now that yucky 2010 is over!

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  3. I can relate to this post so much! Whenever things start to feel out of control, I slip back into those ED behaviors, which scares me too. Unfortunately, it has taken me until now, when the ED could have deadly consequences, to understand that it isn't just a coping mechanism - it could kill me. The fact that you realize how dangerous it is shows your progress. Hugs!

    - Liz

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