Wednesday, June 8, 2011

bumps in the road

Life has been a little rough for me during these last few weeks. There have been a lot of unexpected bumps in the road, and I am trying to hold on to my recovery as I feel myself falling a bit back into the eating disorder. Thankfully, I have caught myself, and others have caught me as I have slipped, so I am still on track for the most part.

But lately, I find myself having to fight a lot harder to not give in or slip back into the behaviors. I don't like it. It makes me very nervous of what could happen, and what has happened in the past. I hate that when things start to crumble in parts of my life, or I feel overwhelmed with certain feelings (insecurity, stress, fear, ect) my first thought (whether I listen to it or not) usually still is to run to the eating disorder to help cope or numb it out.

I want SO much for this part of my brain to be erased. Because even though, I have been strong enough these past few months to not give in to those thoughts - they are still there! And in my moments of weakness... I do give in. And it still scares me because I don't want to ever go back to where I was for nearly half my life. I love my life now, I love recovery! So why do I still want (or feel like I need) my eating disorder during the hard times?? Why can't I let it go completely and never run to (or think of running to it) ever again?

3 comments:

  1. It's been such a pattern in your life to have this eating disorder sweetheart, its normal and understandable that when you feel pressured your brain automatically goes to those behaviours. However, I would suggest that maybe as soon as those behaviours and thoughts come up, look at what has been happening and how you can start to change your thoughts or alter the circumstances, not so much to avoid them but so that you are aware of the triggers that cause the ed thinking/behaviours and when that trigger shows up again then you're aware of it in advance and know that you can get through it and hopefully you don't end up engaging in the behaviours.

    You've made lotsa progress, hang in there, you'll keep improving!

    Love you xo

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  2. Take a deep breath and remember: You're not alone. We're hear for you no matter what. LOVE YOU!

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  3. It takes time my darling.
    Keep calling yourself, keep trying, keep fighting, and you will let go a little more.
    Sometimes we stop, stay still for a while.
    And then gain courage to move forward xxxxx

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