Thursday, December 29, 2011

cracks in the wall

It seems like the ed knows those "perfect" moments. Those moments when I am feeling vulnerable enough for it to come and sneak into my thoughts and feelings. It knows me so well, and it can sense those moments when it can creep in and make me believe that it's thoughts are my thoughts. And it knows how to stay in my head, once it's managed to trick me into letting it in, and it knows exactly what to make me think and feel to do it's best to stay as long as possible. It wants the control back. And I don't know why I have started to let it back into my thoughts and feelings more lately. I don't know what's causing me to feel more vulnerable lately...

I don't know if I have just been letting my guard down more. If I have been getting lazy at standing guard around the protective wall that I have spent (through all of these years in treatment) trying to build around myself and my recovery... but I feel like it's starting to crack a little. I feel the ed creeping in more and more. I still feel strong in my recovery - for the most part - but the old ed thoughts and feelings are lingering longer inside of me before I can push them out. And it's been happening more often over this past month or two.

This past year, has been such a good year for me in regards to my recovery. The best year I have had in recovery! And as this year has gone by, I have been able to push the ed further and further away from me as I have grown in my recovery and in myself. I thought I had finally broken away from it's deadly grasp and was moving forward and on with my life. So I guess I am feeling a bit concerned... confused... as to what is going on that is causing me to feel more vulnerable lately. I wish I knew what was going on because I feel it starting to affect me more lately than it has in a long time. I am happy without the ed in my life. This past year has shown me how beautiful life is in recovery and I don't want to lose that! I want to stay here in recovery. I just want the ed to leave me alone. The ed has taken more than half of my life away from me, it has taken so many things/people/opportunities that I loved and cared about in my life, it has taken so much of myself away from me, it has left me bruised, battered, and broken, and it has nearly killed me many many times... I don't want it to take anything else away from me. I won't let it! I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I understood it. I wish I knew so I could fix it. 

8 comments:

  1. Oh gal. I am sorry to hear that things are starting to be a struggle again. Stupid ED. The lame, fat bastard! Have you thought about getting back into some therapy- for a short-term refresher course to get back to where you want to be (ED free)?

    Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

    Love ya,

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  2. I can really relate to this post!! I have been doing great as well but lately those old thoughts and behaviors have been creeping in. At least we both realize it, right and that's
    important too!!

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  3. I'm so sorry you're struggling with those thoughts. I am happy to read that you want to fight those thoughts and get rid of them cuz you want to stay in recovery. Talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to so you're not keeping it all in and then if they know how to help then they will. you're not alone. Keep your chin up and I know you can beat this ED.

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  4. Aw, hope your doing better now! Keep fighting and you'll win! Kick MR ED in the butt! :)

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  5. And what a life you deserve.
    With courage and strength, you have come SO far.
    It will still be challenging, and hard BUT you ARE doing this.
    Amazing <3

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  6. Sweet Friend, how it pains me to hear that the voice of ed still can talk to you. But how joyous it is that the voice no longer TORTURES you.

    Keep going girl!

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  7. This is exactly what I needed to hear today, because I feel the exact same way. It as if despite continuing efforts, ED has crept back in and gotten stronger :( But through this we will learn, and be able to fight far better :]

    <3 Hugs!

    Scott

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  8. Jenn, you are such a beautiful soul and it saddens me that something as unpleasant as an ED would ever invade this truth. I only just read this post and I wish I had seen it sooner because I would hope to say something helpful to someone who has helped me so much and I am sure many others also. You are a beautiful, strong and kind person who is bigger and better than IT and it's thoughts. Sending you hugs xoxo

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