I have gotten a lot better at recognizing MY thoughts from the ed's thoughts, but sometimes, I still struggle to know the difference between the two. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling a stronger desire/urge/compulsion to exercise more often than I am now. Right now, I just go to my gym's Zumba class twice a week. But I have been feeling like I want to... (should to, need to?) exercise more. I have tried to brush the feelings off, but they don't seem to be going away. I think they might even be getting stronger. But it concerns me because exercising is something that is very easy for me to lose control of and become compulsive about. I have proved that fact way too many times in the past. But am I overreacting? I am a lot stronger in my recovery right now than I have ever been... so would it be no big deal to exercise a bit more each week?
I have been missing the feelings I'd get from running every day. I don't know if it's the endorphins or the feel good "high" I get from running that I miss - or if it's the "high" I get from knowing that I am burning calories and the ed obsessions that are making these thoughts stronger in my head. Is it because I want to get in better shape and I want to be healthier... or is it about my body image and still feeling a little insecure about that? Could it be because of the holidays and the memories from my past about this time of the year? I don't know. And I hate not knowing what the true motive is behind my thoughts. I try to be very careful in my recovery when it comes to certain behaviors and triggers. Because I can easily become obsessed or become compulsive again when it comes to certain things. A few different times during this past spring/summer, I thought I was in a good enough place in recovery, to start exercising more with the intent of being "healthier and stronger". And it would go well for a little bit - but then I would start to become obsessive about it again and would have to force myself to stop because I was sliding down that slippery slope and becoming unhealthy about it once again. That's why I have held off on upping my exercise since then. But would it really be a bad thing? Maybe I am ready now.
I have tried to think it through, to figure out what the true intention of these thoughts are, but I'm not sure... *sigh* Stupid Ed. Any thoughts, suggestions, or advice would be greatly appreciated.