Tuesday, December 6, 2011

which thoughts are mine?

I have gotten a lot better at recognizing MY thoughts from the ed's thoughts, but sometimes, I still struggle to know the difference between the two. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling a stronger desire/urge/compulsion to exercise more often than I am now. Right now, I just go to my gym's Zumba class twice a week. But I have been feeling like I want to... (should to, need to?) exercise more. I have tried to brush the feelings off, but they don't seem to be going away. I think they might even be getting stronger. But it concerns me because exercising is something that is very easy for me to lose control of and become compulsive about. I have proved that fact way too many times in the past. But am I overreacting? I am a lot stronger in my recovery right now than I have ever been... so would it be no big deal to exercise a bit more each week?

I have been missing the feelings I'd get from running every day. I don't know if it's the endorphins or the feel good "high" I get from running that I miss - or if it's the "high" I get from knowing that I am burning calories and the ed obsessions that are making these thoughts stronger in my head. Is it because I want to get in better shape and I want to be healthier... or is it about my body image and still feeling a little insecure about that? Could it be because of the holidays and the memories from my past about this time of the year? I don't know. And I hate not knowing what the true motive is behind my thoughts. I try to be very careful in my recovery when it comes to certain behaviors and triggers. Because I can easily become obsessed or become compulsive again when it comes to certain things. A few different times during this past spring/summer, I thought I was in a good enough place in recovery, to start exercising more with the intent of being "healthier and stronger". And it would go well for a little bit - but then I would start to become obsessive about it again and would have to force myself to stop because I was sliding down that slippery slope and becoming unhealthy about it once again. That's why I have held off on upping my exercise since then. But would it really be a bad thing? Maybe I am ready now. 

I have tried to think it through, to figure out what the true intention of these thoughts are, but I'm not sure... *sigh* Stupid Ed. Any thoughts, suggestions, or advice would be greatly appreciated.


  1. It happens the same to me, but I don't know how can I handle it...

  2. I am in much earlier days of recovery than you as you know, but I feel this all the time and only VERY recently - like last week- started to recognise CHOICES about activity when my dietician was concerned about the increase in MP and drop in weight. Im not allowed any exercise at the moment - and 'minimal' activity - yet I was walking EVERYWHERE, for like 2 hours a day in total. She got me to think back to a time when I concidered myself less 'disordered' and driven by Ana - and would I have CHOSEN to walk somewhere EVEN if someone offered me a life. The answer, no. So that is Ana driving the choice to walk. Does that make sense?
    I am just starting to figure out that Sarah actually prefers creamy soup - not watery soup and I do like bread etc etc. So I have heard and separated Ana since day one in recovery, but only now am I starting to realise how MUCH of my compulsions and obbsessions are hers. Not mine.
    I think that makes sense?
    Keep going,you're ace. x

  3. At the point you are in your recovery I would say don't risk it. I am not discounting how far you have come, because truly your progress is remarkable, but I know that for me I had to err on the side of caution and pushing it at ALL with exercise was playing with fire. When I was early in my recovery I had to go nearly a year with absolutely no formal exercise (I could still do yoga and some walking/hiking etc). I would say that IF you are going to add activity I would recommend doing it in natural ways like walking, hiking, snow shoeing and definitely not running or any kind of cardio equipment. But that's just my 2 cents. :)

  4. It happens to me all the time when I think I'm doing something positive and healthy for myself and then later realize that it was just ED. I feel your frustration completely! I wish I was a bit more knowledgeable about recovery and could give you advice. All I can say is that you're not alone, and really appreciate you sharing this.


  5. I know I am not in your head, but I do know how you feel. I think that the way you're thinking about exercise (And I think this way a lot of the time too) is ED's thoughts, and I think that you recognizing this is a great thing. Don't let ED fool you into believing that you need to do this for any reason. There is no reason to risk it by going too fast, I know that can be frustrating, but it is the best thing to do.

    Stay strong, I hope you are having a great week!


  6. Do you have a treatment team still? I'd suggest talking to them and get their opinion, and also to pray about it. Good luck and don't give up on your road of recovery. =)