Saturday, January 28, 2012

"I'm not hungry"

It's automatic. It's natural. It comes out so easily and a lot of the time, I don't realize I am saying it..."I'm not hungry." Since I have been in recovery, I am able to recognize it more... but sometimes, I still don't realize I am saying it until someone points it out to me. And when I do realize that I am saying it... I still say it. It's still a habit, I suppose. For so long, it's been my way of outwardly expressing myself when I have felt upset, sad, stressed, ect. That phrase ("I'm not hungry") along with, "I'm fine" and "I feel fat." Have been the main phrases that I have hid behind since I developed my eating disorder in my early teens. I wish they still weren't words I hide behind, but I am working on it.

And over this past year, those words have seemed to come out of my mouth less and less often as I have been able to express my feelings straightforward and say what I am really feeling. But lately... I have found myself using these words more and more as I am struggling with all these feelings and kind of retreating back into the safety(?) of these words. I think it's because I am overwhelmed and tired and I don't want to be vulnerable and say what I am really feeling.... or maybe it's because I don't want to admit to myself and others that I am feeling these things... I don't want to admit how I am struggling and feeling, and if I don't admit it then maybe they will go just go away. (Even though rationally, I know this isn't true.) But it's so much easier for me to just say "I'm not hungry." For some reason, that seems to make me feel better sometimes. I think, maybe, it's because it gives me a bit of control/power back in my life when I feel like my emotions are the thing that's in control. And it's frustrating because I don't just vocalize it. I have realized that I say it to myself in my head a lot too. It's so automatic for me to think that to myself when any type of emotion like stress, sadness, fear, ect... comes creeping into my life. I know that the thing that matters the most is what I do after that thought comes into my head, and usually I am able to make the right choice. But lately, I have struggled more with that. With making the right choice.

I'm still not used to "feeling my feelings." I have been doing so much better at it, but I still don't like it. I have numbed all of the bad/negative/yucky feelings out (or tried to) for years and years... and years. It's easier for me to do that. To numb it out. But the people in my life who are close to me recognize this, thankfully. They know what those words really mean when I say them. And they usually respond with "What's wrong?" "Are you okay?" or my favorite (lol) "When is the last time you ate?" and it kind of snaps me out of it because then I realize what I am saying and why I am saying it. I am frustrated that I still use this phrase as a way to cope/ignore/hide my true feelings. But I guess I should be more forgiving with myself because, after all, it was something I have used for such a long time, and it's not just going to go away overnight. But I still wish it wasn't the thought that holds the most power. I wish it wasn't the thought that gives me the most comfort sometimes.

I am grateful for the people in my life who see through this. Who know me well enough, and care about me enough, to recognize truly what these words mean when I say them. It's because of them that I am able to recognize what I am doing, and to try to do something different like... umm... talk about my feelings or talk about what's bothering me. I am working so hard to stay in recovery, and lately, that recovery is really being tested. But I think I am doing okay. I hope I am doing okay. I hope that I am strong enough to pull through everything that has been going on lately and get back to where I was in recovery.

4 comments:

  1. You can totally do this Jenn! Sorry you've hit a rough patch but that's totally NORMAL. Recovery isn't like a straight line up & to the right. You don't have to be "perfect" at recovery because there's no such thing!

    You have so much insight into your ED, thoughts, behaviors -- you've done an amazing job the past few years. Just know that and keep going.

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  2. NO MORE saying "I feel fat." NOT ALLOWED!!!!

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  3. to use your own words against you, be gentle with yourself Dear One! Recovery is the hardest road to walk. I'm a mom and still say recovery is the hardest! Yes, even harder than being a mom! And it's worth the most. Sure the little hugs and kisses and I love you mom's are amazing, but I can't enjoy them the way I want to when I'm sick. I can't enjoy God and His love when I'm sick because I feel too guilty. I can't enjoy my husband when I'm sick because I'm sure he finds me repulsive, plus I spend more energy pulling into myself and isolating than being with him anyway.

    One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. One meal at a time. Sometimes one bite at a time. Pushing the feelings down is easy, feeling them takes courage. Not letting them steal your recovery takes strength.

    You can do it! Hang in there and be gentle with yourself!

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  4. As always I think you are amazing and I am so proud of the beautiful person you are! I know you don't always feel like it but you are an amazingly strong person and I am so grateful to be your friend :) I love you Jennabee!!!

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