Monday, May 14, 2012

crimes against clients

I feel like, for the most part, I have been a bit lucky when it comes to this topic.  Naturally, I have had doctors, therapists, dietitians, ect. who have not been as knowledgeable or understanding about my eating disorder or how to appropriately help me.  And that did not help my recovery... but for the most part, no one really ----.  Except two people.  

One was a psychiatrist who gave me a medication that had weight loss as one of the major side effects.  And my eating disorder took advantage of that, and lose weight I did!  My parents had to intervene and quickly helped me wean myself off of that medication.  They were flabbergasted as to why he gave that to me when he I told him in our first (and only) session that I had a long history of anorexia and was still struggling with it.  

And the other person is a therapist that I had.  I don't really want to go into detail about what happened.  It hurt me a lot.  And it's in the past, and I have moved on.  What he did isn't important... what's important is that I was able to let go of what happened, and the hurt, abandonment, and other feelings that were brought to the surface because of the situation.  It took some time, but I was able to let it go.

I did have a doctor and therapist who both had to "fire" me and that hurt me a lot, because at the time I wasn't able to see why they did that.  I thought it was because they didn't care.  But now, in recovery, I am able to see why and I am grateful to them for what they did.  They didn't stop seeing me because they didn't care.  It was the exact opposite.  They stopped seeing me because they did care.  They felt my eating disorder was too severe for them to be able to treat me.  But they made sure I had someone else to go see or a treatment center to be admitted to before they stopped seeing me.  I thank them for that.  For caring enough about me to help me find the help that I needed at those times.

I feel like throughout all of my years of treatment, I had some really good people on my side.  Most of the people who have been on my treatment team at one time or another, has been very tough and would not let me get away with things... and believe me, I sure tried.  I really tested them.  But they could see through it.  And looking back on it now, I feel very grateful for that.  Because I needed that toughness to find recovery.  I was stubborn, I was scared of letting go of the ed, and I really struggled with finding recovery.  And I tried to get away with things because of it.  But most of them saw through it, and I owe them a lot.  I owe them my life.


  1. i feel like i can relate to this quite a bit, well part of it. i haven't had a lot of doctors/therapists (in terms of those treating the anxiety, fears, stomach) but ive always been so aware of, and very concerned with, how they like me, or don't like me. not with every one, but with most. and initially i think it prevented me from speaking about certain things (not anything serious!) but i mean, i just wanted to say the right things. i remember when i was about to go to a boarding school for high school, like a private school in another city, i guess i was having some issues with that, and i spoke to someone a bit, and really liked her! but then i guess she stopped seeing me and i was a bit upset, but it was because she didn't feel that i needed to see her anymore. so i guess that was a positive, but i took it in a different way. change, i guess, can be difficult, even if its a good change. and i don't think i deal with that well ;P even now, the therapist i see, initially i loved her and watched what i said (too much....) because i wanted her to like me. which is silly i know. now im more open, probably too much. i sort of feel like i come off as a complete bitch, i don't see her often but, ugh idk. hard to explain. i just wanted to say that i really could relate to this, and i loved how you wrote it (that sounds like i mean you made it up, i don't mean that!) anyway, hope you're doing okay. xox

  2. I had a doctor who gave me a medicine specifically to make me hungry, because isn't that the real cure I needed, to be hungry? And another doctor tried two different medications that both specifically stated that they were not to be used for patients battling anorexia. I think Dr A only saw the ed as a physical issue. Make me hungry and the disease will go away on its own. And Dr B thought if he could only get my depression under control then the disease would go away. Neither Dr treated me physically and emotionally. It is hard to find someone who can truly help with all of the facets that come into play with ed. Glad you have a strong team now. :)

  3. I like as you now realise those that "fired" you were more concerned about you than you then thought.

    Something similar happened to me - I was offered some coaching by my boss with a very capable coach - she had an amazing track record of moving people rapidly up the corporate ladder. We met twice, somehow almost instantly she cottoned onto my drinking issue - this was say 4 months before I hit rehab. My boss arrived at my door one day came in and pushed the door closed (a bad sign)... He had a book in his hand - he offered it to me (it was an interesting book about music - this woman was brilliant at getting to know people as I said) he said "She won't coach you until you fix the drinking issue." I was mortified - I'd hoped she'd help me - but as you say now looking back she knew she was not the right one for me at that time.

    About a year later I got an email from her. She asked how I was. I could tell she must have heard about the final break down and 6 weeks rehab etc. I emailed her back and explained. She called me and asked me if I was still interested in the coaching although it may be difficult given my "rehab" in the company at that point. I replied "Not at the moment, I need to focus on my recovery, also I'm beginning to think my place isn't further up the corporate ladder but in other things". I could "hear" her smile on the phone "Play the guitar Graham, play the guitar" she said and hung up.