I have had a lot of medical doctors throughout my illness and recovery. Some have been good (and they really made a big impact on me and my recovery), and others have been horrible (and did more harm than good). And the reason between these are the attitudes of the doctors and the knowledge, understanding, & compassion they have for people who struggle with ed's. I wrote this letter from the point of view of me when I was still struggling. It's some of the things I wish I could have said then but was not yet able to use my "voice" and stand up for myself. But I have found that voice, and hope to use it to help others find their own voices.
I know that you probably don't know what I am going through. What I am living with every single day of my life. You probably don't understand it, and don't understand why I can't just do what you tell me and stop all my ed behaviors. I don't really know why I can't either, but what I do know is that I am scared. You may think that I "just need to eat" or that I "just need to get over it." But I can't. At least not yet. I hope to be able to someday, but to get there it's going to take a lot of hard work. And I need you to be on my side. I need you to fight for me. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I'm trying to do the right things, but sometimes I will mess up. And it's because I am scared - it's not because I am trying to be non-compliant or difficult. There will be many times where I might be resistant to what you expect from me but it's not because I don't want to get better. It's because the ed voices are so strong right now and it's so hard for me to fight them sometimes.
I didn't choose this. I'm not doing this for attention. It's not a phase that will just go away. It's serious and I need you to understand this. Because I need your help. This is slowly killing me and I am fighting for my life. What I need is compassion and sincerity from you. I don't need you to minimize my eating disorder. I don't need you to get mad at me, yell at me, or threaten to fire me if I don't do everything you tell me to all of the time. I am really trying, and I need you to believe me when I say that. I have come to you because I need you to help keep me medically stable and help me to regain my health. But I also need empathy and understanding from you. And I need you to listen to me. And if you can do these things, then I know that I will have even more strength on my side to fight for my recovery.
a girl who really needs you