My eating disorder gradually came into my life. It wasn't sudden. It slowly inched it's way into parts of my life and gave me the comfort, protection, and control that I was desperately searching for during my early teen years. And as the years went by, the eating disorder grew and grew until "it" became the one that was in control. I couldn't do anything without consulting it. I didn't know who I was anymore without it. And as hard as I tried to fight, the tighter I felt it wrapping itself around me. My eating disorder disguised itself to be something I thought I needed. It became my whole life, everything revolved around my eating disorder for years and years. I thought that it was saving me, protecting me, numbing me from painful things... but it wasn't. It was slowly killing me. It was killing my spirit and my body. But I couldn't see that for the longest time because of the package it was wrapped in. Because of the words it would tell me. And when I did realize these things, I was too far wrapped up in it that I was so fearful of letting it go. I was terrified of losing it. I thought I needed it. I thought that it was the only thing that was keeping me together when in reality it was the thing that was tearing my world (and me) apart. Eating disorders are just like chameleons. They can change and morph themselves into anything it needs to be to fit into what each individual "needs". And that is one reason why they are so dangerous and they sneak into our lives before we realize what is truly happening. This is what eating disorders do. They destroy lives. They hurt people. And they kill. So this is the slogan I came up with for my eating disorder. This is the lure and the haunting it whispers...
"I'll slowly creep into your life,
With my soothing words and protective disguise
And once you realize all I am are lies,
You'll never break free, despite all your cries"
For most of my life, I have struggled with believing that I am enough just the way that I am. That I was worthy or deserving of being happy, having good things happen to me, or being loved. And the eating disorder knew this and used it as a way to keep me trapped in it's deadly grip. It convinced me that I was not worth it. That I needed it because I couldn't survive without it. That I was not enough. That I was worthless. And this is something that has been a main focus in my recovery. This slogan "Because I'm worth it" is a simple and short sentence - but to me it holds so much power. It holds my life in it's hands. It is the reason I found recovery and have been able to stay in recovery. It took years and years for me to believe this statement but I am thankful to be able to finally say that I do believe that I am worth it. I believe that I am good enough just the way that I am. That I do believe that I deserve to be happy, and to be loved. And that is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. And this gift came from my recovery. We are all worth it! And recovery is worth it!
my recovery slogan:
"Because I'm worth it"