Wednesday, May 16, 2012
fat is NOT a feeling!
I know for me, it was easier (safer I thought...) for me to focus on my body and how I felt about it, then to deal with what I was really feeling. To cope with my feelings (anger, sadness, anxiety, ect) I turned it outward and focused it on my body. Because that was something that I could control. That was something that I could use to numb out those feelings. But the longer I was in treatment, the better I started to understand the actual feelings that I used "I feel fat" to hide behind. And I was able to work on them. I was able to vocalize what was really going on inside. It was hard though. Really hard. Feeling my feelings was so uncomfortable (and sometimes overwhelming or scary) that it took a lot of time for me to really believe that those kinds of feelings are healthy, that they will come - but they will also go, and that feeling them won't kill me. But it took time for me to get there.
I have to admit that there still are those times when I find myself thinking or saying this, but it doesn't happen as often and I am a lot more aware of it. I understand now that when "I feel fat" starts to come into my thoughts - I know it's because I am feeling some kind of emotion (like anger, sadness, anxiety, ect.) and I am able to ask myself "Why am I feeling this way? What's going on that is causing these feelings?" What am I really feeling? And I am able to express my feelings in a more healthy way.