Monday, May 28, 2012

I can't believe that I...


I can't believe that I... 
am an intuitive eater.

This is a really big deal for me because I honestly never thought that I would get to the point in my recovery where I could eat intuitively.  My hunger and fullness cues were completely screwed up, eating mindfully terrified me, listening to my body terrified me, and eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full... well, these were ALL things that that I couldn't comprehend.  I had ignored and shut off these things for so long, and the fear that I had built up inside of me was so strong that it was really hard for me to believe that I could actually trust my body, listen to my hunger and fullness cues, and eat mindfully.  

It took a lot of hard work.  A lot of trust in my treatment team.  A lot of trust in myself.  A lot of patience.  And a lot of forward steps and backwards steps but... I can finally say that I am an intuitive eater.  Of course, I still have my bad days, I still have the days where I struggle and let my emotions affect my eating... but most days, I eat intuitively.  And it is one of the most freeing feelings.  It makes eating enjoyable again now that I am not letting the eating disorder dictate my meal plan for the day, and I am not so fearful of food.  It really is quite an amazing thing to me.  And if I can do it, than anyone can do it because I honestly thought that I was a hopeless mess when it came to intuitive eating.

6 comments:

  1. I have to say I've always felt Eating Disorders are one of the most difficult addictions to conqur. I was in a 12step rehab that catered for all kinds of addicts, drugs, drink, gambling, eating, sex, etc. When I was there about 30% of the group in there were primarily eating disorders and of them about 80% female and relatively young - i.e. avg age beneath 25. I went to aftercare for a few months afterwards, both back as a day in patient to the rehab and weekly evening support groups. The eating people I think had the hardest task - I just didn't drink - now that was hard enough but I didn't HAVE to drink but you HAVE to eat. That battle of moving to a balanced intuitive eating pattern I saw people really really fighting with it. I am a binge eater - it was one of my minor secondary addictions. I still do it sometimes when in stressful situations etc. But it isn't a major issue to me I don't believe and I'm conscious of it.

    I really do admire anyone who has fought and successfully beaten and eating disorder

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  2. How exciting! Congrats!
    You have come so far! Keep up the great work!!

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  3. Love this post! Intuitive eating can be such a B, but you're right about it being so freeing! Not always the easiest thing, but so "worth it" :)

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  4. That's a big deal, Jenn. :) Proud of you!

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  5. That's so impressive to get so far from what you were going through before. Can I ask - do you still keep count of how many calories you have each day? I've had this thing for eight years and cannot stop counting because I'm still so scared of eating too much. I have a husband and two kids now and need to set a good example but it's so hard! How do you know you're eating enough etc, or do you just not worry?

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    Replies
    1. That's a great question! Not keeping track of calories and worrying that I would eat too much were things that terrified me and kept me stuck in my rigid ed rules for so long. But the important thing is to take those risks to break out of that because that is the only way you are going to find the freedom in eating.

      I have counted calories for soooo long that I naturally know what is in foods, so I am usually aware of how much is in the things I eat (which i am trying not to focus on, but it naturally comes into my mind) BUT the important thing is that I don't add them up. I don't keep track of them... does that make sense?

      Also, I have learned that eating is all about balance. Somedays I might eat a little too much, and other days a little less than I should - but it ALL balances out. And that is the most important thing to learn. Of course I do still freak out a little and worry if I eat a little too much one day - but not as much as I used to because I know that one day won't make me gain weight. It is hard sometimes still, but the more that I trust in my body and trust in the process... the easier I have noticed it getting.

      And I know that the more I listen to my body and just try to eat intuitively - the less power food will have over me.

      It is a process though and it didn't happen overnight. There is a lot of ups and downs BUT it is soooooo worth it if you can hang on and trust the process!! So worth it!! ; )

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