Wednesday, May 23, 2012

keep YOU, kick ED!

I think one reason why I held onto my eating disorder for as long as I did was because I was afraid that if I let it go - I would disappear. I would be nothing. That there was nothing to me except my eating disorder. I felt like as the years went by, and I fell deeper and deeper into the eating disorder - all of the other parts of me were slowly falling away. It consumed me, it was how people knew me ("the girl with the eating disorder"), it became me...

But throughout my years of struggling to recover. Through all of the ups and downs, the successes and relapses. Letting go of the ed identity and finding "jenn" again was always one of the main goals in my treatment.  I would start to let the ed go but then I would get scared because people would ask me... "what does jenn feel?" "what does jenn like?" "what does jenn think?" And I rarely had an answer for this. I got so used to letting the eating disorder dictate and answer those questions for me. I felt lost without the ed. So naturally, I would run back to the ed and let it continue running my thoughts, my emotions, my life.

I felt like I would never be able to have the courage to truly let the ed go. I thought I would forever be in it's control. I felt like I would never be able to find "jenn" again. I thought I had lost her forever. She was too far gone, she was too entangled in the madness. But I had to find a way to let it go. I was running out of "second chances" with this illness, and with my life!

Letting go of the eating disorder, I mean truly letting it go has been very difficult for me. The process has brought fear, sadness, anxiety, doubt, so many emotions - but it also has been freeing! And it has also brought strength, love, courage, determination, and so many other wonderful things! I am still working on finding out who I am without the eating disorder. It's a process.  But here are some of the things that I have discovered about myself and who I am:

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a girlfriend, a friend, a coworker.  I love to laugh and be silly.  I love being around other people, but occasionally I need some "me" time.  I am passionate about music, writing, and anything that is creative.  I am sensitive... sometimes too much.  I am shy when I first meet people.  I love to rock climb.  I love to be active.  I love to be outside.  I love learning new things.  Sometimes I am lazy, and sometimes I like to sleep in.  I usually try to see the best in things, but sometimes I can be moody.  I love going out and doing things but I also enjoy spending nights in.  I love shopping, clothes, and fashion.  I like to curl up with a good book or movie.  And I do have a slight addiction to the soap opera General Hospital.  I am a spontaneous person.  I love road trips.  I love to dance.  I adjust really well with change and I am a go with the flow type of person.  My favorite food is spaghetti.  I am emotional.  My favorite color is lime green - but I also like pink, silver, and red.  I am a spiritual person and that is something that is important to me.  I love learning new things and challenging myself.  I want to get married and have a family someday soon.  I want to travel and experience new things.  I am a hard worker.  I like things clean and organized... but I occasionally let that slide if I am feeling lazy.  I really want a little puppy named Snoop (yes, like snoop dogg). I love the spring, summer, and fall - and I hate the winter.  I have a lot of things that I want to do in my life but I also try to live day to day and enjoy the things I have in my life now.  And I am a survivor.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. This is so true. I think I could have written this. This is where I am and I think the main reason I am holding so tightly to the eating disorder. I have no clue who I am.