"WHY are you doing this!? Are you crazy!? You MUST be or you would stop all of this!"
Those are words that people said to me... and I said to myself... for the longest time. I know now that these words came from a place of hurt, pain, frustration, worry, fear, & confusion from my loved ones and from myself during this time - but the way that it was vocalized was by using the word crazy. I couldn't understand WHY I couldn't let go of my eating disorder. I couldn't understand WHY I was letting something control me, hurt me... slowly kill me. And the people around me couldn't understand this either. So, I must be crazy right??? That is the only thing that could explain this, right??. Wrong! I wasn't crazy. I was a prisoner. I was being held hostage by something that was bigger than me. I was under the eating disorder's power and I didn't have the tools to get out of it. But I wasn't crazy.
I sure felt like I was though. And it took until I went into treatment and started understanding my illness. Started understand the reasons WHY I couldn't let it go. The reasons WHY I had all of these voices and thoughts in my head. And the reasons WHY I needed help. It wasn't until I went to treatment for the first time and saw other girls who were going through the same thing, that I really started to understand and believe that I wasn't in fact crazy. And it brought a lot of relief and comfort to me. It took time, but I was able to let go of those feelings and start to really work on the underlying issues underneath my eating disorder, and then I was able to start letting go and moving forward.
I hate when people use the term crazy when it comes to eating disorders and other addictions. But I think people use that word because to them it might be "crazy." But I think what they are really trying to say is that they don't understand it. Eating disorders ARE very complicated, and very hard to understand. Not just to people on the outside. People who struggle with them don't understand them either at times. But it doesn't mean they are crazy.