Tuesday, June 12, 2012

CROWD


When I was younger, I was really really shy.  I didn't like to be in crowds because they overwhelmed me and I felt like I could get lost really easily.

But then when I developed my eating disorder, I actually preferred to be in crowds as opposed to smaller gatherings.  Because I could get lost.  I could slip into the background and no one would notice me.  Especially at parties, family gatherings, work things, ect.  I would prefer crowds because then no one would notice that I wasn't eating.  No one would notice if I wasn't engaging in conversations with everyone.  It was easier to just hide in a crowd instead of always having to put on my "mask" of being okay.  That mask of pretending like I was happy, fun, go-lucky... because sometimes, I just didn't have the energy to pretend like everything was fine - while inside I was falling apart.

Now that I am in recovery, things have changed again.  I don't mind being in crowds.  I like it sometimes.   But I think that I prefer smaller gatherings because I am able to connect with people better.  And connection is something that is so important to me.  It's something I crave.  Something I need.  I have always needed it - but I pushed it away for so long and didn't realize how much I needed it until I was able to start letting go of the eating disorder and actually let people in.  And now, it's something that I cherish.

2 comments:

  1. Yes I find that too that if I spend a couple of hours with a friend or with people I feel good with my life seems completely different. It is important to connect with people.

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  2. I crave that connection too, and didn't realize how much I both needed and wanted it until recently. Interesting how we are able to see things so differently over time!

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