Friday, June 8, 2012

HONESTY


"To gain complete honesty, it is important to let go of all your fears and defense mechanisms."

One of the most important things I learned in recovery is the importance of honesty.  Without honesty, you can't fully recover because you are still hiding things.  You are still holding onto secrets that are keeping you sick.  My eating disorder made me such a dishonest person.  I hated that part of me.  I hated lying, sneaking, manipulating, & hiding things.  It made me feel terrible.  But I felt like I HAD to do those things to protect my eating disorder.  And the more I lied.  The more I hid things.  The easier it got to do it again and again... and again.  I hated my dishonesty - but I felt like I had no other choice.  I felt like I had so many secrets and I was so scared of what people would think or do if they found out the truth.  So I hid them.  And I carried so much guilt inside because of it. 

In recovery, I was able to slowly start to let go of my dishonest behaviors.  And I was able to slowly talk about the shame and the secrets I was holding on to.  And I started to feel safe exposing those things.  And it was one of the most freeing feelings.  Secrets keep us sick.  They keep us stuck.  They hurt us.  They hurt other people.  And now in recovery, I try to be as honest as I can.  I'm not perfect and I make mistakes sometimes, but I try to be an honest person.  It is a quality that is SO important to me.  Not only in others but in myself.  Trust takes time to rebuild, and I know that it is going to take time for my friends and family to have complete trust in me again.  But I have come a long way, and I am SO much more honest in my life now then when I was wrapped up in my eating disorder.  Our secrets keep us sick.  And we need to let people in - in order to find that peace, that freedom, the life in recovery. 


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