I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't pretend like I was "fine." Because I wasn't. I was in a lot of trouble. These are some of the poems that I wrote shortly after I was admitted into my first inpatient treatment center in January 2007. They describe a bit of the "trouble" that my eating disorder had brought into my life. Trouble that I knew I needed help getting out of.
I Don't Understand
Why can't you just go away?
Why are you so determined to stay?
I can't even breathe without you pulling me down
Everywhere I go, you follow me around.
I'm trying so hard to fight for my recovery
But the more that I fight - the further away you push me.
My family and friends are really great.
They support me, no matter how many mistakes I make.
But I am really at the end of my rope.
With nothing left to hold on to, I'm about to choke.
You've got your arms wrapped around me so tight.
It's getting so much harder to see that small light.
That light of hope - it's fading away.
Please someone help me, before it's too late.
Me and my ED
I need to let go of this horrible addiction,
That tears at my soul and blurs my vision.
I try and try to leave my ED behind,
But it sneaks up on me and puts it’s hand in mine.
And before I can recognize the ED and push it away,
It’s grip gets even tighter and I can't get away.
The ed's voice and my voice sound so much alike,
So how do I tell, which one is mine?
I used to have a secret, I never told
I kept it inside, I couldn't let go.
I thought I could fool everyone around me,
But the ED's destruction was too easy to see.
It changed my appearance, my behavior, my life
I couldn't do anything without it right by my side.
Feeling so overwhelmed, but wanting to appear in control
He was sucking the life right out of my soul.
Friends, family, co-workers, even strangers
Would take one look at me and know my life was in danger.
They would cry, plead, beg, even yell
But I just fought back, I couldn't admit I had failed.
I pushed people away because I couldn't bear to let them see,
Just how much ED was hurting me.
I was lost in this world of food and weight
And I knew I needed help before it was too late.
Thankfully my family never gave up on me
And helped me get into treatment to start my recovery.
I'm going to work hard and give it my all,
Because a "life without ED" is the ultimate goal.