I didn't realize how long it had been since I had been on here. I am so behind on all of your blogs and my own as well. But I hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday season and staying safe. Things have been hectic but that's usual for me it seems. I am hoping that as we move into this next year, things will slow down a little. Not too much because then I will get bored, but a little less hectic would be nice. :) Brian and I started rock climbing again a little over a month ago and I am loving it!! Brian used to be huge into climbing and when I met him he used to take me out every once in a while and I fell in love with it too. We would go climbing both indoor and outdoor. They both are very different experiences too, so it's fun. Then over the past couple years, we haven't really gone as much because life got busy and it just got put on the back burner. But we finally decided that we wanted to make it a priority and we got passes to an indoor climbing gym. It's a really cool gym and really big so there is so much space to climb. Brian, of course, is a natural - but I struggle. He's had years of training and every time I watch him I am just amazed and in awe. I am still fairly new to the sport but I have really been pushing myself and s l o w l y but surely I am seeing bits of improvement. What we mainly focus on is bouldering. And it is so hard! If you don't know what bouldering is - it basically means that you climb without a rope or a harness. And I love it because it's so challenging. I love pushing myself and I love the the feeling I get when I climb! I still have a bit of a fear of falling but I am getting better each time we go. The floors are padded so much that it's okay if you fall because you won't really get hurt since the walls for bouldering are between 10-16 feet average so they don't go as high as rope climbing walls. But I still don't like falling when I am higher up and it holds me back a little because I won't try certain moves or stop a route premature because that fear will kick in a little. But I am working on it. It's also a good way to release stress, I have noticed. And it's been helping me to get and feel stronger - and I like that. I am hoping that it will help me with the body image stuff I have been struggling with. It's hard because when I started to gain weight this last time out of recovery, I gained it pretty fast and I wasn't exercising and building muscle because exercise can be a huge trigger for me and I tend to get obsessed with it really easily. So I am hoping that by working out and doing it with Brian - it will help those obsessive thoughts from getting out of control. As I've gained the weight this last time, and these few years afterwards, I have tried to exercise but every time I find myself starting to obsess about it and I quickly stop in fear of relapse. But this seems to be working because I think with this, I can keep myself in check. And I really do love climbing and I love the feelings I get from climbing. If you haven't tried it, you should ;)
Also, I have been trying to work on my mindfullness and intuitive eating and it's going... not so good. I find myself hyper-aware of everything I am eating and I am feeling more guilty if I feel like I have eaten too much. I don't know if this is normal or not? Suggestions or advice would be very much welcomed because I really want to be able to enjoy food and not feel captive to this voice inside my head causing me all this guilt and negativity that has been around me since I was 13 years old. I just want to push it away from me and be done with it but I can't seem too, and I'm not sure what to try next because I've exhausted all of my options when it comes to this. Or do I just keep doing what I have been doing and hope that one day it will all click and come together... I just feel discouraged.