Tuesday, December 23, 2014

rock climbing love!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had been on here.  I am so behind on all of your blogs and my own as well.  But I hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday season and staying safe.  Things have been hectic but that's usual for me it seems.  I am hoping that as we move into this next year, things will slow down a little.  Not too much because then I will get bored, but a little less hectic would be nice. :)

Brian and I started rock climbing again a little over a month ago and I am loving it!!  Brian used to be huge into climbing and when I met him he used to take me out every once in a while and I fell in love with it too.  We would go climbing both indoor and outdoor.  They both are very different experiences too, so it's fun.  Then over the past couple years, we haven't really gone as much because life got busy and it just got put on the back burner.  But we finally decided that we wanted to make it a priority and we got passes to an indoor climbing gym.  It's a really cool gym and really big so there is so much space to climb.  

Brian, of course, is a natural - but I struggle.  He's had years of training and every time I watch him I am just amazed and in awe.  I am still fairly new to the sport but I have really been pushing myself and s l o w l y but surely I am seeing bits of improvement.  What we mainly focus on is bouldering.  And it is so hard!  If you don't know what bouldering is - it basically means that you climb without a rope or a harness.  And I love it because it's so challenging.  I love pushing myself and I love the the feeling I get when I climb!  I still have a bit of a fear of falling but I am getting better each time we go.  The floors are padded so much that it's okay if you fall because you won't really get hurt since the walls for bouldering are between 10-16 feet average so they don't go as high as rope climbing walls.  But I still don't like falling when I am higher up and it holds me back a little because I won't try certain moves or stop a route premature because that fear will kick in a little.  But I am working on it.

It's also a good way to release stress, I have noticed.  And it's been helping me to get and feel stronger - and I like that.  I am hoping that it will help me with the body image stuff I have been struggling with.  It's hard because when I started to gain weight this last time out of recovery, I gained it pretty fast and I wasn't exercising and building muscle because exercise can be a huge trigger for me and I tend to get obsessed with it really easily.  So I am hoping that by working out and doing it with Brian - it will help those obsessive thoughts from getting out of control.  As I've gained the weight this last time, and these few years afterwards, I have tried to exercise but every time I find myself starting to obsess about it and I quickly stop in fear of relapse.  But this seems to be working because I think with this, I can keep myself in check.  And I really do love climbing and I love the feelings I get from climbing.  If you haven't tried it, you should ;)

Also, I have been trying to work on my mindfullness and intuitive eating and it's going... not so good.  I find myself hyper-aware of everything I am eating and I am feeling more guilty if I feel like I have eaten too much.  I don't know if this is normal or not?  Suggestions or advice would be very much welcomed because I really want to be able to enjoy food and not feel captive to this voice inside my head causing me all this guilt and negativity that has been around me since I was 13 years old.  I just want to push it away from me and be done with it but I can't seem too, and I'm not sure what to try next because I've exhausted all of my options when it comes to this.  Or do I just keep doing what I have been doing and hope that one day it will all click and come together... I just feel discouraged.


  1. Intuitive eating totally baffles me, so I'm not sure I can offer much other than sympathy. In my head, IE means letting your healthy, normal, physiological cues determine how much/what to eat; that some days you might eat a little more because you are hungrier or just feel like having something special or extra, while other days you might eat a little less because you aren't as hungry or don't feel well or whatever, but that over time those will all balance out. But I would imagine that very few people actually eat COMPLETELY intuitively, right? Not even among perfectly healthy people without EDs.....people's food choices are determined by taste/preferences, weird neuroses, social pressures, etc. So it's hard to say what's normal.

    In a recovered ED person, I think intuitive eating might take a lot of different forms. EDs make us so disconnected from our bodies' true needs and desires that it can be hard to parse out what we truly want or need. For me, restricting has been intuitive for a long time! I'm used to eating teeny tiny bird food meals, and feeling hungry more often than not...so how to tell what is "normal" hunger vs. ED hunger? and how do I know how hungry I am? e.g. am I hungry enough for steak and potatoes, or would an apple and a few almonds suffice? These are the choices I struggle with constantly.

    Anyway...this got long. I really admire you tackling intuitive eating because it is definitely something I hope to be able to do someday. But I wouldn't beat yourself up over having difficulty, and remember that many recovered anorexics rely on structured meal plans for a long long time after formal treatment or recovery because rediscovering your intuitive eating signals is so hard. Hang in there and keep us posted on how it goes!

  2. Thank you for this comment :) What you said is really helpful and you said a lot of things that I needed to hear right now, and it is really helping me to try to put things in perspective so thank you so much! :)