Saturday, May 2, 2015

will i ever get there?

Will I ever learn how to eat intuitively and mindfully? 

I am starting to think that I am never going to truly have peace with food and with my body.  I hate to admit this, and maybe it's just me feeling super discouraged and frustrated with myself.  But I just can't seem to get the hang of it.  Yes, I am doing pretty well in regards to my recovery.  And so it's hard to come out and say that I am still struggling so much with these two things.  Yes, I have maintained my weight for the last few years, and yes (most days) I am eating more than I did while I was struggling with my eating disorder.  But the obsessive thoughts about food and body image have never really gone away.  The guilt has never really gone away.  I've just gotten really good at trying to ignore it and not give in to those thoughts and instead do what I know I need to do to maintain my recovery.  I have felt like I've been letting myself down, and now admitting to it, I feel like I am letting other people down too.  I just don't know what to do when it comes to this part of my recovery.  I have been (and am doing) really well, I think... Or am I not allowing myself to see what's really happening?  I don't know how to let these thoughts go.  It gets tiring to continue to ignore them.  But that's what I have to keep doing I guess, and hopefully someday, I won't have to just keep trying to ignore these thoughts... but they will finally not even be around.  That's my hope.  And I don't want this to take anything away from my previous post, because I meant every word of it.  I am doing the best I ever have in recovery - these two things are just things that I can't seem to figure out for some reason.  And it concerns me, and frustrates me at times.  Especially lately.

7 comments:

  1. You are amazing, Jenn, and a strong example to me of strength and perseverance! I love you, too! :)

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  2. I totally hear ya. It drives me crazy how much I still think about food, given that I have come leaps and bounds recovery-wise in so many ways. Periodically I have this same insecurity - like, am I actually still super disordered? And am I not doing as well as I think I am?? Am I still really sick?? But you know what, this is totally cliche but it has been confirmed over and over again for me: "fake it til you make it." AKA just stay the course, keep doing the next right thing, and eventually those thoughts will fade into whispers.

    That being said, I am nowhere near intuitive eating. I eat by the clock. It's not ideal in terms of developing hunger cues and variety and mindfulness around food and such, but it is what I need right now to stay on track. There are lots of "normal" non-eating disordered people who struggle with intuitive eating, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about not getting it perfectly right. For me, attempting to force intuitive eating right now would just create more insecurity and anxiety around food. For the most part, eating on a schedule helps minimize the angst that might otherwise result if I were forcing myself to confront "am i hungry? right now? how hungry? do I just think I'm hungry because now I'm thinking about food?!?" etc multiple times a day. So I eat on a schedule and try not to think about it more than necessary. It's not a forever thing, but it's working for me right now. My point is, it might be perfectly normal to feel like you're obsessing more than necessary, and give yourself a break if it feels like IE is not happening right away.

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    1. I think you are right. Your comment really opened up my mind to this whole thing. I think maybe I am focusing too much on being the "perfect" intutive eater when I might not be at that point yet (which is okay) and it might be causing all of this anxiety and guilt towards food and myself.

      Thanks so much for your comment because it has helped me to think of things in a different light. It's hard sometimes because since I am not in treatment any more, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about stuff like this. I mean, I have my family and friends, but sometimes it's hard to talk about stuff they might not really understand or relate too. So thank you :)

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  3. I am so proud of you and I can see just how much progress you have made with your recovery journey. You have conquered the mountain Jenn and these little niggling's/thoughts are perhaps just the last part of the ED losing its hold. I think one day they will no longer have an affect on you - it just comes with time like many other things. You have no reason to feel guilty. You have in no way let anyone down least of all and ESPECIALLY yourself xo Much love xo

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  4. Firstly I have felt ever since I was in rehab with a variety of addicts including a big contingent of those with eating addictions/disorders that this is one of, if not the, most difficult to deal with. I'm an alcoholic. Therefore once I've come to terms with my unhealthy relationship with it and the obsession and craving I have about it and the complete inability to manage it once I've started then the answer is (simply) don't drink. That I know is a big enough challenge for me. But I don't have to drink alcohol to live I can therefore adjust to being abstinent over time. But food - you have to eat... that is so tough so you have my undying admiration already.

    Someone has already said my next bit though... for me my recovery is "progress not perfection" this is laid out explicitly after the 12 steps of the AA programme are laid out in the AA big book. You say you've been doing good - that is progress, progress can be bumpy can be at times frustrating but as long as it isn't regression then even that can be progress in my way of thinking at times.
    I'm at peace with being an alcoholic who doesn't drink today.... but there are still many things I have to work on in my recovery to maintain that and progress along that path too.
    Good luck

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  5. I think you can eventually get there Jenn. Don't put so much pressure on yourself! You've done amazing. Drop the idea of the need for perfection -- as in, you don't need to do recovery perfectly, 'cause there's no such thing in anything.

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