Tuesday, March 31, 2009

not in the mood to blog...

i am not really in the mood to blog about what went down in my sessions yesterday at CFC in detail so... I will give you the brief update.

w/ dietitian:

1- i lost weight...which sadly ended my 4 week in a row consistent weight gain...
2- my meal plan increased because of the weight loss (even though they haven't talked to the doctor yet
about my exercise so that's kind of not fair...)

3- I need to add more variety to my meal plan this week and stop choosing my "safe" foods for most of my meals and snacks. So we revised my meal plan to add more variety - not a lot, so it shouldn't be too overwhelming, we are taking baby steps.

w/ therapist:

4- I felt super discouraged because I was hoping to at least maintain my weight this first week out on my own.

5- it took pretty much the whole session for him to convince me that mistakes & slips are going to happen and it's OKAY. As long as I am honest with my treatment team i will be okay. (that's what he said, not me).

6- i cried a lot today at both sessions... i am feeling super overwhelmed with all the changes going on surrounding my moving out on my own (again) and I feel A LOT of pressure from myself and people around me to get it right this time. I feel like I have lost so much of my life to anorexia and I feel like I am behind everyone else my age... I just SO want to end the cycle of living own my own, relapsing, moving back in with parents, moving out again, relapsing, ect. But since it has been part of my life for so long, it makes it that much harder to really recover from (people who understand addictions can understand the mental and emotional struggle it is).

w/ doctor:

7- my blood tests came back and they are not great, but the only thing that really concerns her at the moment is my potassium level which is really low -- so I gotta eat some bananas!
8- i have to start wearing T.E.D.'s again for the circulation problems in my legs. They are super fabulous! (totally exaggerating they are more like embarrassing) compression stockings... I have both the knee high ones and the thigh high ones, and I am sure glad my insurance is paying for it cause they are not cheap! LOL.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

just a little poem i wrote

SWEET CHILD

close your eyes, and sleep tight child
leave all your fear and pain behind you tonight.
find love and hope in your dreams
and let them guide you, and help you make it through each day

this world seems so cold and empty
and somewhere along the road - you've lost your way
you try to hide your tears
and the pain that just seems too much to bear

but your life - your dreams, are waiting for you
so be brave and begin to heal
and soon you will regain your strength
you will find love again

sweet child, you were meant for so much more
than this disease that you've carried for so long
you can do it, i know you can
just keep the Lord close to your heart

you will laugh and sing and love again
sweet child, just hold on
and trust in those who want to help you
i love you, and soon - you will love you too!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

doctor's appointment

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I got my usual tests done (blood work, weight, urine, ekg, ect). Of course she wasn't happy at all with where I am with my weight and my overall health - but honestly, it seems like no one ever is these days - so I am kind of used to this kind of reaction from people.

Then we started talking about my joints (my lovely osteo-arthritis and osteoporosis) and I told her that my therapist and dietitian have put me on exercise restriction, so my joints haven't been too bad. Then I started to talk to her about how over the past couple of months my muscles seem to pull & tear more easily and how they are always sore, and the circulation in my arms and legs are getting worse. I said "I know it's because of my eating disorder but I was just wondering if there was something I could do."

She told me that I need to start exercising and strengthening my muscles and joints. She said that since I am on exercise restriction, she is going to call and talk to my therapist and dietitian (so they are all on the same page) and see what they can work out for me. Which I KNOW will involve MORE food. I started to get really worried and told her, I CAN'T have my food increased - I am already having an incredibly hard enough time eating what is on my current meal plan! But she told me that I HAVE to because she is worried about my muscles, bones, and joints getting worse. Why did I have to open my big mouth??

So, after she is able to talk to my therapist and dietitian, she is going to set up some appointments for me with the physical therapist - who is going to help me with some stretching and exercise techniques that are going to help strengthen this body of mine that seems to be slowly falling apart...

Let me make this clear to everyone. I am pro-recovery and I DO want to get better, but a person can only take so much! It doesn't make sense to me to increase my calories per day if I am struggling as much as I am to eat what is on my current meal plan. Does that make sense to anyone?


But I will do it, I will try if that is what ends up happening. Because I do want to be healthy and I do want a life that is not controlled by this illness!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

lunchtime

It's lunch time at work right now. For the next two hours, I will watch men and women of all different shapes and sizes go pick up fast food or go into the break room and get their lunches that they have brought with them to work. Most people eat at their desks because the break room is small, some people go home, and there is a small group of women who change clothes and go for a nice walk outside for exercise before they come back and eat their lunch. I watch them all as they get their food, heat it up, and eat and enjoy their meals.


Every single day I watch them. I am jealous of them and wonder how they can just eat their food without obsessing, getting anxious, or feeling extreme guilt) over the calories, fat, amount of food, if it's going to make them gain weight, or the hundreds of other ED thoughts that prevent me from eating or enjoying food. Now, I know that people do worry about that stuff, we all do to an extent - but not to the extreme that me (or others suffering from ED's) do. As I watch them, I feel such happiness for them and I think that they are so lucky that they are not trapped in this never-ending nightmare. And that they don't have this mental battle going on inside them every single time they eat... But at the same time, I feel sadness for me, because I know that I am not like them. I am different, but not in a good way. And it reminds me of the powerful grip that my eating disorder still has on me. My hope is that one day, I will be like them and I will be able to eat & enjoy my food right along side of them. And by "them" I am talking about friends, family, roommates, co-workers, anyone who is able to eat & enjoy their food without the interference of ED.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I woke up smiling this morning

I moved into my new house yesterday! It's the beginning of a new chapter in my life (I seem to have many many chapters). I am excited, nervous, but mostly excited! It's so nice to have my independence back, but I know that it comes with a crap-load of responsibility and EXTRA hard work on my recovery but I am willing to take it on... to prove to myself that I am strong enough to recover and I am strong enough to succeed in whatever I put my mind to!

xoxo,

me

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

confusion & frusteration

I don't understand what the crap is going on...

Since this is the third week in a row that I have gained weight, my dietician (after a lot of hesitation) has given me some exercise priviledges back! But there are some conditions I had to agree to:

1- I have to add yet ANOTHER snack to my meal plan (and it has to include fat, so it can't be fruit, veggies, or yogurt - which were all things I was suggesting to her for my extra snack).

2- I can ONLY exercise 3 days a week for 20 minutes...and I am ONLY allowed to slowly walk. Now, to be honest, I was disappointed that that is all she is giving me -- but then I decided that I should be grateful that I am getting anything.

Now, here is where the confusion sets in... drumroll please...
Next up was my session with my therapist. I told him (like I always do) what happened with the dietician. And he seemed pretty suprised as to why she is allowing me to exercise. He seemed very confused. I said, "I don't see why it's a problem since I have been gaining weight these past few weeks."
And so he scanned through my file to see what my weight has been these past few weeks and he said, "Yes, technically you have gained weight - but it's NOT a significant amount... so that is why I am confused as to why she is letting you exercise."
So to make a long story short, we pretty much got into an argument that ended with me in tears and feeling super confused and frusterated. Because I am trying to eat, I am trying to work hard at recovery! Before I left his office, he told me that he wasn't trying to discourage me - he just wants to me know and understand the REALITY of my situation. He thinks that I am in denial about (or I just don't realize) how serious my condition is. He thinks that I think that I am healthier than I really am.... So, when I tell him that I feel like I have been gaining weight, he is just trying to get me to understand that my perception is waaaay off from the reality... And that I need to realize and ACCEPT that things are not as "fine" as I keep telling myself and others that they are... ugh! It's so frusterating!
I said, "Just tell me my weight then! Prove it to me!!"
And he said "Jenn, you know I can't do that. You need to trust us and trust that we know and want what is best for you. Because right now, you are not able to make healthy and safe choices on your own, so you need us to help make them for you until you are strong enough to do it on your own. But you are doing better, you are making progress - it's just going to take time and you need to be patient. But I would like to see you gaining weight a little faster."
So, I don't know what's going on at the moment. Especially with my treatment plan, I have a feeling that it is going to be drastically changed... I am sure that my exercise priviledges are going to be taken away next week unless I am able to gain pounds and not just ounces.
But I think that is C-R-A-P because if I gain a few ounces, that's still gaining...
isn't it???

Monday, March 9, 2009

Kangaroo Zoo, IHop, Shopping, Packing, & Sleeping

I had a pretty good weekend. And it was a nice change from the boring and lazy weekends that I have been having lately. On Friday, my mom and I took my adorable niece Kaitlyn to Kangaroo Zoo which was A LOT of fun to watch her laughing and playing and running around. :) Then she came over and spent the night.

Then on Saturday we played together in the morning. My parents, Kaitlyn, and I went to IHOP for lunch. I ordered chicken fingers, fries, and chocolate milk (I tried to get a really fattening meal to prove to the ed that I could do it...) I felt horrible for eating it (and horrible physically because my stomach didn't seem too happy about it either). But I knew my body needed it, and I kept reminding myself that I chose recovery when I chose to eat that meal! Then we went to Walmart and went shopping (Kaitlyn bought "big girl" underwear and I bought stuff for my new place).
Then I spent the rest of the day packing.

Then On Sunday - I wasn't feeling well physically
(my body is not used to me feeding it and allowing it to have proper, regular, meals. So it's having a hard time accepting and digesting the food...which REALLY doesn't make it any easier to eat, btw...) So, I pretty much slept the entire day away.

Now, it's Monday and it's back to work and intensive out-patient therapy overload. But I am determined to have a good week! And I BETTER have gained weight this week from all the food I have been eating!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

weight gain = staying out of inpatient!

I was able to gain some weight this past week so, my treatment team didn't give me the usual threats about thinking I need to be admitted as inpatient. It was a nice change. In my session with the dietitian, we talked about positive affirmations (see earlier post) and also about the amount of food I am eating. I FEEL like I am eating A LOT of food but she says that I am not eating as much as I think I am. Especially since she wants me to be steadily gaining weight each week. She says that "my" perception about food and what is too much and too little is WAAAYYY off! Okay, so maybe that is true, but it still doesn't make it any easier to eat and follow my meal plan when I feel like I am eating too much! and never hungry

Anyway, then in my session with my therapist, we talked about the fact that I have been super discouraged lately and we talked about ways that I can re-charge and re-commit to recovery. He said that because of the place I am in health wise, I don't really have any room to keep sliding backwards. I said "But I gained weight this week!" And he said "That's really good, so let's keep it up! I want you to come in next week and say the same thing to me."

That is all for now cause I am too tired to think. But I had a REALLY good Balance & Mindful Eating group this week that I want to write about - so I will try to post that soon. :)

positive affirmations for jenn!

These are the affirmations that my dietitian and I came up with this week, and I carry them around with me EVERYWHERE I go so I can read them often and hopefully start to believe them soon!

Each day is a step closer to recovery & health.

I am strong for choosing treatment.

I will be patient with myself.

I need to trust my body & allow it to heal.

My body needs time to accept that I am going to allow it to have food, and I will be patient & loving as it goes through this process.

I have the will, the strength, & the desire to continue working on recovery.

I am building physical strength to be able to cope with emotional needs.

I deserve to eat. I deserve to be healthy & happy.

There is a strong, intelligent, & capable person inside of me. I am letting her take over my life more & more each day as I am ready.

Letting go of anorexia is scary & overwhelming but I NEED to do it, I CAN do it, & I WILL do it.

If I am only thinking of food & weight - what am I avoiding thinking?

It is my right & my joy to achieve and maintain a healthy weight.

You are who you are. NOT who you used to be.

Everyone has a different body, perfect & unique to them.

I accept you, my body, and I will do everything I can to support you in healing & recovery.

My body is a miracle. It is a blessing to care for & nourish it with food.

My worth is not determined by food or weight.

Both my physical & emotional well-being literally depend on my healthy choices.

I am ready to say goodbye to the me of the past & hello to the healthy new me.

Too much or too little food numbs my feelings & erases (takes away) my ability to be free & alive.

Food is neither good nor bad. But in moderation, ALL foods provide nourishment for my body, mind, & soul.

I deserve to reach & maintain a healthy weight.

I am loveable & I am loved!

Monday, March 2, 2009

A Few of my Favorite Things!

Cocoa Butter lotion

jewelry, clothes, SHOES!!!

cupcakes

springtime

love songs

Jared Padelecki! LOL :)

reality tv

laughing and being silly with friends

scary movies

road trips!

writing: songs, poems, my blog, ect.

What recovery is like...

To emerge from anorexia into a condition that resembles a normal life is not like walking out of one room into another. It is much more like trying to emerge out of the center of a maze, where one encounters numerous false starts, and feels at moments a strong, unexplainable desire to return to the familiar place one is leaving behind.