Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Did I want the chocolate covered pretzel??

Last Saturday, I went with some friends up to Park City to play. While we were on Main Street we went into the Chocolate Factory and got some chocolate covered pretzel sticks. Well, I didn't want mine... or did my eating disorder not want it...or did I really want it??? I didn't know! So, I did what I do most of the time - I went over to a trash can and quietly slipped mine in.

Then when I saw my therapist on Monday, we talked about this and he asked me what thoughts were going through my head as I contemplated whether I should eat it or not. I said:

"Don't eat it!"
"It will make you fat!"
"You will lose control and eat too much!"
"You don't want it!"
"You shouldn't want it!"
"Think of all the guilt you will feel if you eat it!"
"You are stronger, show me your self-control!"
Those are the thoughts that my e.d. kept screaming in my head, and even though I do try to talk back to it and think rationally - sometimes I feel like it would just be better to not eat the food in question and therefore, not have to endure all the intense guilt and negative feelings I would have afterwards. Then, he asked me the question: "Did "jenn" want it??" I thought about it for a minute and then said, "Yeah, I think I did want some of it." My therapist and my dietician have been trying to teach me about something that is so impossible for me to grasp and understand right now which is ... intuitive eating! 

But it's hard for me because most of the time I don't know the difference between what I want and what my e.d. wants. But I just have to keep challenging those e.d. thoughts and start to re-learn what foods I really do like! (which is SO scary!) But honestly right now, I feel like this is something I will never acheive - maybe it's because all these thoughts have been my "truth" and my way of thinking for soooo loooonnnng - but I really want to believe that there will come a day (soon I hope) that I will be able to be an intuitive eater because I think that would be so awesome!
Then this morning, I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House and they had cookies in the reception area after you went through the tour. Well, instead of just by-passing the refreshments like I tend to do, I took one of the cookies. I was trying to figure out if "jenn" wanted it or not. They announced at the beginning of the tour that there would be cookies afterwards so they whole time I was thinking in my head and trying to figure out if I wanted a cookie or not. But I didn't know! I don't know what foods I want - especially, when they are "fear foods" or not on my meal plan.  

My treatment team keeps trying to encourage me to eat something if I want it even though it's not on my meal plan - like the cookie or the pretzel. But I feel guilty for eating "extras". Especially when my meal plan is as humongous as it is right now!!! Anyways, now I am rambling. I am just frusterated and confused because I don't know what I want, so I get afraid to eat things... I hope this is making sense to some of you, because it isn't quite making sense to me at the moment. But I just gotta keep on truckin! Fight the e.d. thoughts and move forward in recovery!!!

Monday, July 27, 2009

"feeling" painful feelings hurts!!!

Sorry I have been absent on my blog for a little bit. There has just been SO much going on with IOP and recovery, and I didn't even know where to start talking about it all. There is so much "static" in my head. In past treatment programs and therapy I have allowed myself to go only "so far" before I would stop and shut down when it came to the feelings, emotions, and events that have led to my development and continuation of my eating disorder. And I know that is one of the biggest reasons why I have remained so sick for so long. But, this time - I am going as far as I need to and feeling all those feelings that I have tried to avoid or minimize in the past. Because I know I won't get better unless I am willing to dig deep down.  

But it's been so incredibly difficult, I can't even explain how hard it has been this time around. I feel my emotions are all over the freaking place, and I have cried and had breakdowns every single day for over a week now! I hate it and I feel out of control - and it is making the urges of wanting to use my "behaviors" to help cope and numb all of this out SO MUCH STRONGER. But I can't, and I won't.

My therapist keeps telling me that it's good that I am feeling this way because that means that I am really starting to heal -- I really hope he is right... He also keeps reminding me that because I have struggled since I was 13 years old, and the eating disorders thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors are SO ingrained deep deep within me - it is only going to get worse before it gets better. And that the thing I need to do is hold on and push through until I am able to make it through all of this! And I have him, and the rest of my treatment team (and now IOP) right there with me and they are not going to let me fall and they are not going to leave me alone or give up on me. And I am so grateful to my treatment team and to all of my family and friends who love and support me!!! I wouldn't be able to do this without any of you!

I will update more later! I really do miss writing on my blog the way I used to because it's been very therapeutic for me and it helps me process things, but I have just felt so emotionally drained from IOP that it's hard to get on here and write about everything... Does that make sense??? But I will try to write on here more because I love reading all the comments you post on my blog and I love reading your blogs as well!! It really does give me a boost and a little push forward when all I want to do is stand still (or fall backwards).

Monday, July 20, 2009

There was once a time when you were not a slave, remember that.
You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare bellied.
You say you have lost all recollection of it, remember!
You say there are no words to describe it; you say it does not exist.
But remember!
Make an effort to remember! or failing that, invent.
-Monique Wittig, (Les Guerilleres)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

a new psychiatrist, and the gastroenterologist

Last Friday I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist, who specializes in eating disorders. She is going to help me find the right meds and the right combinations (because honestly, medical doctors don't really know when it comes to ed's unless they are very knowledgeable when it comes to them, and the one I currently have doesn't really know but she wants to learn MORE about ed's so I am kind of like her experiment???). So I was put on new meds and I am really feeling the side effects - but hopefully they will start to go away soon! My body tends to be more sensitive to drug side effects than the average person. Our session was two hours long, because it was our first time meeting and she wanted to really assess me.

Then, I had an appointment with my gastro doctor. We talked and he checked out my chronic bloated and distended tummy since I have started to eat again and stopped the l's & d's, and he increased my dose of the meds he is having me take. I REALLY hope they work!!!

Monday, July 6, 2009

determination is alive and kicking!

The verdict from the "team" about me doing ballet again was an "absolutely not! But we can reconsider it once you are healthy again and able to maintain that health." I think I knew deep down that was going to be the answer but... I don't know if I didn't want to accept it or maybe it was wishful thinking? It doesn't matter though because it's not going to happen for a while. But, thanks to those of you who gave me suggestions - my team is going to let me work on stretching and things like that (as long as I don't lose weight). So that makes me happy!!! It's not much, but I'll take it! Considering for the past while, they are always frowning over any physical activity I am involved in. But since I am finally starting to gain weight (consistently) they are starting to give me more privileges. It's really nice, I hope the privileges keep coming!!!

Last week sure had it's share of rollercoaster emotions! There were days when I felt okay and was like "You know, this recovery thing, I think I CAN do it!!!" But then there were days where I felt like I was emotionally going to flip out! And I know, this is all a part of recovery but "feeling my feelings" is still such a foreign and scary thing for me - so when I can't numb them out with my behaviors I struggle a ton with being able to deal with them rationally. But the good news to report is that I was able to get through the week with only a small amount of e.d. behaviors! But it was so hard! It was painful and terrifying to sit through the emotions, because they don't go away, they last and last and last... - I don't like it at all!

But I did it and I am really proud of myself!