Saturday, September 26, 2009

just trying to keep my head above the water

I feel like I am being punished for being more open and honest with my treatment team. I was able to open up completely with them and admit to behaviors that I am still very much struggling with - without "sugar coating" it like I tend to do. But it's been pretty difficult dealing with the consequences. Which is a big reason why I have been absent from my blog...

I feel like my emotional state is already so fragile right now - and now the pressure I feel that my team is putting on me is pushing me over the edge. At first, I very much regretted being completely honest about the behaviors I am still struggling with & allowing them to see my "true" weight (meaning I didn't manipulate it at all before getting weighed) because I felt like I was being punished, but now I am realizing that they are not trying to be mean or hurtful towards me. They are trying to help me and they are very worried about me. I think even more worried about me that I am (which isn't good. I should be worried too). My therapist thinks the reason why I am not realizing the "seriousness of the situation" is because I have been disassociating from my feelings a lot lately and just trying to numb everything out. I have just been feeling very overwhelmed and...I don't know...maybe I need a break to just...breathe...But the problem with that is, that when you disassociated from things - you let ed creep back in and take control over your life and your mind again.

My treatment team is threatening inpatient or hospitalization if I am not able to get back on track in the next two weeks. I mean, even before I started IOP, they were telling me that they wanted to me go inpatient but since I could only afford IOP then we would have to do our best and work hard with that. And then these past few weeks they have been mentioning inpatient a lot more lately and telling me how much they wish I could be admitted. Then this past Monday, my therapist threatened with having me admitted and he was pretty harsh with me in our session - really harsh and it made me feel horrible. He said that he was trying to scare the e.d. out of me - but I think it backfired because it just made ME feel horrible, not my e.d. And then on Thursday when I saw my dietitian she said that in their treatment team meeting - he had mentioned the two week deadline to everyone. 

And they also talked about how they don't think that I am medically stable enough to NOT be in inpatient & that my weight has dropped to a very dangerous low and that they are very concerned about my health. She said that he said, "I don't know how she's going to pay for it but that is where she needs to be." And I guess that really frustrates me because I feel like just because I have had a rough few weeks does not mean that I need to be thrown into the hospital!!! I feel like they are getting a little carried away here. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I need to NOT be afraid to be honest!

Yesterday was rough. While I was sitting in therapy, I was forced to admit to myself and to my therapist (who already knew by the way & just wanted to hear it from me) that I have not been completely honest with everyone about my recovery. I do tell the truth, but I tend to exaggerate that truth to make it appear that I am doing better than I really am. Do I do it to protect others? To protect myself?? I think it's both of those reasons.
The reasons why I have felt like I needed to exaggerate:

I feel like:
- I am letting my friends and family down
- I am letting my treatment team down
- I don't want people to keep worrying about me
- I am horribly weak
- I feel guilty that I am STILL struggling so much
- I don't want my roommates or others who DON'T know about my ed to find out
- I feel like people won't like me if they know the REAL ME
- I don't want to be a a greater burden (than I already feel like I am)
- I want people to be PROUD of me
- I don't want to be judged or labeled because of my ed
- Maybe if I pretend I am doing better than I really am... IT WILL COME TRUE

And because of all these reasons, I have been exaggerating about how well I have really been doing. I am NOT proud of it and my therapist totally called me out on it yesterday during IOP. He is not upset, him (along with my treatment team) are just very concerned about me and how this is affecting my recovery. Because I am - in a way - living in secrecy. I am struggling with recovery and I am so afraid to admit to people just how much I am struggling because I don't want to let anyone down. I just put on my smile and act like I am doing well and getting better, while on the inside I am falling apart and breaking down.
 
It's so hard and scary for me to be completely honest with everyone because of all the reasons above. But I made a commitment yesterday to work on trying to be more honest because that is the only way I am truly going to get better. I just don't want to disappoint everyone. I just want people to be proud of me. And I am so sick and tired of being the "girl with the eating disorder". But by pretending that I am doing better than I really am doesn't change any of those things. All it does is push me further away from true recovery and back into the arms of anorexia. 

Friday, September 11, 2009

I don't know what happened

It's scary how the e.d. can creep up behind you and push you into a hole without you even being aware of it. And the next thing you know, you are struggling desperately trying to climb out before you fall or get buried any further. And the worst is those times when you are in the hole and you don't have the strength you need to pull yourself out. You want to ask for help but you are so fearful that you will upset people or let them down, that you try to climb out on your own - but the walls are too unstable...
 

I don't know what happened. I have been doing well (for the most part) these past few weeks. Of course I have had my ups and downs but I think I have been handling everything as well as could be expected- and even over the weekend when I went on a road trip with some friends (which was so incredibly fun!), I think I did pretty good (especially in the eating department. I didn't get close to my required calories on my meal plan but I think I did really well considering the huge struggle that is for me right now). So, how did I get to the place I have been these past few days? It's like it came out of nowhere and is attacking me with frightening force! I am confused and worried about where I am mentally and emotionally and I don't want these feelings and this "zone" I am in right now to ruin all of the hard work that I have been doing, especially these past few months. It's just scary because this isn't something I can just "snap" out of - and I don't know what to do or how to regain the control back, because these past few days, I haven't been the one in control...

Friday, September 4, 2009

4 more weeks of IOP

For the past few months, most of my time has been spent either at Center For Change (doing IOP), at home reading or working on assignments, and ...eating! My recovery has been my number one priority. And I have been delving into emotions and feelings that I have never wanted to talk about or think about before and I feel like even though it's been really really really really really really really rough and stressful and horrible and I have cried and been an emotional wreck almost every single day- I feel like I am making a lot of progress and that has made all of this worth it!!!  

I feel like during this round of treatment, I have been able to work through a lot of stuff but... I still have a long ways to go. My treatment team has wanted me to go inpatient or do the full day program (they think that is what I need to really get a handle on this) but financially that isn't possible because we have already paid SO much for previous inpatient & hospital stays... so my parents and I, along with my treatment team, have decided to extend my IOP for another 4 weeks. This was going to be my last week - but since I am still struggling with a lot of stuff (especially the eating and weight gain part) My treatment team thought it would be the best option for me to extend my treatment. And I am so grateful because I was really starting to freak out about having a huge drop in treatment care when I don't feel like I am at all ready for that responsibility...