I am struggling a lot with my ed thoughts and behaviors. I am having a tough time trying to allow myself to see and live in the reality of the situation before I quickly retreat into my world of denial and disassociation and also try to find the motivation for my recovery, and my dreams that still seem lost somewhere out there. But I am working on trying to find these things again. It's one of my main focuses right now.
I had a horrible argument with my doctor yesterday. She told me that for the past little while (more often than not) my weight and labs/blood work have been too unstable for her to feel comfortable treating me. And that I either need to go inpatient or make very drastic improvements in a very short amount of time or she will have to stop seeing me. And I think yesterdays appointment was kind of a breaking point for her after she saw my weight and test results. So... she basically fired me.
I don't want to get into all the feeling and emotions that this appointment has caused me because I am trying to not let it affect my recovery too much - but let's just say I am feeling a lot of guilt, shame, sadness, fear, hopelessness, & abandonment.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I am starting to wonder if maybe I am relying on treatment too much and not enough on my own ability. It is true, I don't trust myself and therefore, I do feel safer when I am in treatment knowing that there are people who are supervising me, monitoring me, counseling me and helping me process thoughts and feelings, ect. But am I depending on them too much??? When is it time to start decreasing the amount of time in treatment and to start focusing on other things in life? Am I still lost in this disease because I am still in treatment and it's such a focus in my life? Or is this my ed trying to trick me into lowering my level of care so I become more vulnerable for it to regain complete control over my life again??
I need to start focusing on other things and put all this all behind me. But what if I do start to have more of the responsibility of my recovery and I crash & burn - what if I leave and am not ready to leave? Will ed completely take over and will I lose any ability I have to fight this and to recover? I don't know! I wish I could see in the future and know what I was capable of. My therapist always tells me that I need to be more patient with my recovery. He always says to me "Jenn, how long have you had your ed?" And I say "Since I was 13." And he says "So, it's going to take a lot longer than a couple years to get over something that is so ingrained in you and has been a huge part of you for so long!" And I understand this - I don't like it - but I understand it. But at the same time, am I using treatment as a crutch? Am I depending on my treatment team and the other girls more than I should be? Or am I just panicking because of what happened a few weeks ago?