Thursday, December 31, 2009

the fear deep inside...

Am I powerful enough to master a disease that is stronger than any force or person I have ever met? If indeed, I am strong enough, why have I been so obviously beaten down by it? These complexities engulf me every day and night.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

being job-less isn't so great anymore

When I was laid-off from my job last May - my family, friends, and my treatment team kept telling me how it was a blessing in disguise. Because at the time, I was in a really bad downward spiral with my ed (and had been sent to the e.r. twice in one week shortly before losing my job) and that since I wasn't working full-time temporarily, I would be able to get the intense treatment that they all thought was crucial at the time.

How did I feel about losing my job?? Honestly, at the time, I was relieved. I was barely functioning and my energy was so low at the time - I was exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty devastated to lose that job because it was one of the few jobs that I have had in my life that I have really really loved. I loved that job - even though it was stressful beyond belief and I worked myself way too hard, and I didn't know how to set boundaries, and I wanted to please everyone at work - I did love that job, and still to this day, I would run to them and beg them to hire me back!!!

But I have to admit that it was nice to not have to worry about work while I did the IOP program over the summer - It gave me more time to work on recovery. I also got a really great severance package from my job and then filed for unemployment after the severance ended - so most bills were still able to be paid (even if it was extremely tight). Then, after IOP, I was going to start looking for a new job but, a couple weeks after IOP concluded, I ended up in the ICU in really really bad shape and was in the hospital for a week. Then, I needed to recover from that and get strong enough to be able to not only work, but function and get through the day. Again, it was nice to be home and not have to worry about a job while I recovered from that.

Well, the past little while, it has not been so nice being unemployed. These are the reasons:

* I am struggling beyond belief to pay all of my bills.
(and that is why I am not getting the treatment I need at the moment)

*I am home all day and all night and have way too much free time.

*I feel like I am losing motivation at a rapid pace.

*I am watching the people around me getting up and going to school or work and really just watching as life is going by without me.

*I need a reason to get up in the mornings, I need something to keep me distracted and occupied.

*I can't go back to school until I have a good stable job.

So, for the past few weeks, I have really been trying to find a job... but thanks to this stupid economy that is in the gutter... this is a nearly impossible thing to achieve these days. Also, I don't want to get a job that will trigger my anorexia in any way because I am already struggling so much with it - that could be a deadly combination! Not to mention, I am really horrible at looking for jobs - it's something that I struggle with because I am not the most outgoing and happy person right now. But I am trying to stay positive and trying to keep the faith that I will find something. I just hope that it is soon!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

powerfully honest, real, and accurate

I started reading a memoir last night called Kid Rex, and I think it is very very well written and honest. And when I read this part last night, I felt like I was reading something from my own personal journals, which was kinda crazy. So I wanted to post it on here because I love the way she has written thoughts, feelings, and fears that I somehow have a hard time expressing. Also, because I know there are many others out there who feel this way too.

"What am I supposed to tell people when they ask me what I do for a living? Am I really supposed to say, "Well, actually, I am in the process of recovering from anorexia"? If I go that far I might as well delve fully into the discussion. Why not give people a more complete view of what my life has been like these past few years, trying to recover from an illness I've had for so long? I may as well tell them every day is like an eternity, full of fear and trepidation about being left alone in a cold, shadowy world where winter is always approaching, without my greatest source of solace: my anorexia. I may as well tell them I have seen over twenty psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, and nutritionists in the past few years, and have often been feeling more stranded, frustrated, and secluded. I may as well say that some mornings I wake up and think that without my anorexia I am at risk of vanishing into a sea of faceless, anonymous people, as though I never even existed.

How are you supposed to describe what you do for a living when what you actually do is struggle to live? Many years of my life have consisted of attending doctor's and therapy appointments in a maddening attempt to unscramble my mind and ease the disquiet in my soul. Any "accomplished" individual would think I'm crazy, pathetic, or simply disposable...

... I have not yet found a way to make peace with all my troubling memories. I must relive them, over and over, until I can build some sort of life for myself again. So perhaps the next time someone asks me what I do, I should just boldly declare, "I am waging the war of my life!" After all, shouldn't that be considered an accomplishment on par with beating cancer or surviving a plane crash? Then maybe I could also tell them, if they cared to delve a little deeper, that no one truly chooses to live in a ghost world. This was a burden that was placed upon me."

(excerpt from the memoir Kid Rex)


I saw my doctor twice at the beginning of the month.
She sent me to see a cardiologist because of concerns she had.
I saw my therapist once at the beginning of the month...
...that's pretty much been it

And let's just say that the only way I have gotten through the holidays and this past month... well, I would rather not say but I am sure you all can guess.

Monday, December 28, 2009

My Memoir

For the past couple of years, off and on, I have been writing a memoir/autobiography. It all started when I had to write one as an assignment while I was inpatient at a treatment facility. And since then, I have been writing more and going deeper into my life, my past, my recovery, ect. It has been an emotional but very eye-opening experience for me. 

Whether I keep it for myself, share it with family & friends, or maybe try to have it published (though I am not sure why strangers would want to read about my life...) I haven't decided yet, but either way this process has been very healing for me. There are still things from my past that I am having a hard time letting go of or forgiving - but I have been able to understand and forgive myself and others for a lot of the things from my past. And I believe that through writing, whether it is through my personal journals, this blog, poems and songs, and my memoir/autobiography - it has been a very therapeutic way for me to heal and understand my past, my emotions, my feelings, and events that have happened in my life.

I love writing and I am so thankful for this gift to write because it has truly helped me to understand why the things in my past happened the way they did, but most importantly, it has helped me to understand...myself!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Holidays!

-- Sweet Christmas Memories --Christmas 1988
Kimberly, Michael, Jennifer, Ashley, & Crystal

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I have decided to embrace it...

I have been dreading this day because I hate getting older - especially when I feel like I haven't accomplished hardly anything - BUT, after talking about it with a few people, I have decided that I need to embrace this year. Because this could be an awesome and wonderfully exciting year...right??? This could be the year that I am finally able to break the chains of this illness and regain my life, my dreams, and my soul. So, I refuse to dwell on this post about all of the reasons why I regret my 20's, and how I feel like my hopes and dreams have all passed me by... and how I am still single, not be married with children, graduated from school, in a career I love and am passionate about, ect... 

Life doesn't always work out as we thought it would when we were wild-eyed dreamers in high school with the whole world ahead of us. And I am not going to compare myself to everyone around me (well, I will at least try my hardest not to!). Because we all walk different paths and this was my path - for reasons I don't understand but hope and pray someday I might - and all I can do is move forward. I don't want to be constantly living in the past, living in my regrets, and most of all living with this illness in my head and controlling my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behaviors 24/7!!! Because those are the things that get in the way of your dreams, your passions, your hope, your laughter, your peace, your relationships, your spirituality, your life!

Because those are the things I so desperately long for!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

my fingers are crossed!!

I have my first appointment with my new medical doctor tomorrow morning. I did end up firing my doctor before she fired me - which was inevitable. But when my therapist found out about it, he was not feeling too comfortable with the situation. He told me that I had to find a new doctor that week because he was not going to be, and I am quoting him, "my death therapist". Geez, isn't that a little harsh??? : ( 

Anyways, I did find one and she happens to be one of the best e.d. specialists in the state so I am both excited and extremely nervous to see her tomorrow. This was the soonest appointment I could get so it's been a month since I have seen a doctor - and that also makes me nervous to see what my vitals and blood work are going to be, ugh... But I hope that she won't reject me too because I have had enough of that for a while. But I am really struggling right now with my behaviors and therefore, my health. I know I need a good doctor who is going to be able to help me reach and maintain a healthy body. That is the goal and I am trying to stay positive about this whole recovery thing right now!

I hope that this doctor will accept me as a patient without trying to force me into inpatient or the hospital. I am tired of everyone continually telling me that is where I need to be! I just need a good doctor who will help me and support me on an outpatient basis!!

"Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they've been looking at you the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention. We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander farther and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger, or the sadness preventing us from returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering; sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found."

(from the book "There's No Place Like Here" by Cecelia Ahern)