Tuesday, March 30, 2010

so long, farewell...

I am feeling sad.
I am not feeling very hopeful about this new restriction in my life.
I am mourning the loss of a very dear friend.
But I need to say goodbye and let go because...
This friend is breaking me down.
This friend is hurting & destroying my already damaged kidneys & bones.
And after many many warnings & previous restrictions from doctors, therapists, & dieticians,
I have decided to be compliant & give this another try.


no more caffeine for jenn!
(that includes soda and coffee!)
I am still allowed to have it a little but...
I can't drink caffeine just "a little".
It's like alcohol to me because every time
I drink a little, I am back to chain drinking it again before you know it!
Thanks ED for ruining yet another relationship with a dear friend...

I LOVE this picture!

I got a copy of this picture during my first inpatient stay at a treatment center. It holds a special place in my heart and it means so much to me because it was given to me at a very crucial and frightening time. And I have taken it will me (through all my many moves since then) and it is always one of the first things to be hung up on the wall in each new bedroom. And I look to it often when I am back in those fightening moments and it gives me a source of strength. I am sure most of you have seen this picture before but I wanted to post it anyways.

Monday, March 29, 2010

another step forward

I have realized that I need to write more about the positive things I do towards my recovery on my blog because these steps forward are so important to recognize and celebrate. So here is one from last night:

I went to my grandma's house last night to celebrate her birthday with some of my other relatives. I knew there was going to be cake & ice cream there and so I had decided to myself ahead of time that I was not going to eat any of it. That is how I was going to deal and cope (especially after the rough few days I had had with some feelings being brought to the surface that are very painful... the last thing I wanted to do was eat cake & ice cream). And since I had already made up my mind- I didn't have to worry about anxiety or fear, and I could just relax and have a good time, right? I was able to be talkative and engage in conversations because I wasn't worrying and stressing about having to eat the cake & ice cream. Then the time came for the cake & ice cream (and to make things worse, it was that store bought cake that is even more frightening to me). But "my plan" was still in place so I didn't need to worry or be nervous. But...I knew people would have an issue if I said "no thanks" to the cake and ice cream. I might be able to use that around other people but with my family...it usually doesn't fly because they know why I am saying "no thanks". So I politely took my plate when my aunt handed it to me. I was sitting there with a book I brought (to distract me) and I was going to wait until no one was looking and throw my cake & ice cream away. Then that would be that, and I would be happy and everyone else would be happy because 1) I would be happy that I didn't eat and 2) they would be happy because they would be under the assumption that I ate. But then I started to think about recovery and that I was doing the exact opposite thing that I have learned in all my years of treatment. So... I nervously ate the cake and ice cream.

Now, to most people, this might sound like a small, unimportant, or even silly thing - but to me it was a huge deal. Those are very scary and intimidating foods to me and I still have those thoughts that I am going to explode if I eat certain foods (as irrational as they are... they have been fears for a long time, and they don't just go away). Afterwards, when I finished, I tried to stay positive and happy but I was immediately overwhelmed with my ed feelings and I was so upset with myself that I ate it (and all of it). I kept wishing I had been strong and in control by not eating it... but then I realized that I was strong and in control because I fought off those ed feelings and, in that moment, I chose recovery! And I didn't explode.

I wish I could say that this was the end of the story and we all lived happily ever after - but eating that cake & ice cream pretty much ruined the rest of the evening for me. I was overcome with negative thoughts and feelings and I couldn't shake them. I kept telling myself, "okay if I can sneak off into the bathroom and purge then it will be gone and I will feel better..." But I knew deep down inside, that that wasn't the answer, and that I needed to sit with the uncomfortable (and very nauseous) feelings and wait for them to pass. That is something I struggle with a lot. Whether it is the physical feelings or the emotional, I have a hard time coping with them, sitting with them, and waiting for them to pass. But that is exactly what I did last night. I sat firmly in my chair and tried my hardest to distract myself. I was pretty quiet and to myself for the rest of the evening - but I took a step forward by eating the cake and ice cream and then sitting with the feelings until they passed. Instead of running away from and hiding from that thing which is overwhelming and frightening.

This doesn't mean that I am cured from my fear of cake and ice cream and that I am going to eat it all the time now - it just means that I was able to choose recovery last night and I am pretty damn proud of myself.

Friday, March 26, 2010

a moment of strength

I feel strong when I am able to reach out and let people support me. I struggle a lot with this, and I tend to try to do things on my own or run away from what I know is right because the ED voices are too loud and intense!! But, somehow, I was able to call my mom and ask her if she could meet me and have lunch with me today. (which is amazing in itself because, as people around me have learned... I am the one who avoids social situations if there is food involved - and it's usually other people inviting me or trying to get me to go out and "have lunch" or eat somewhere). I have been struggling with eating (...story of my life, I know...) and I knew I needed some extra support.

I needed to put some food in my body and I knew I couldn't do it on my own, so I found that strength (that doesn't like to show itself to me...ever!) to reach out and ask for help. It was nice. She did push me to eat more than I wanted or was comfortable with- but I needed that right now. And even though it was just one meal... it was one meal closer to recovery and one meal that is now nourishing my broken body and giving it the food it desperately needs. And I am grateful and proud to say that I was able to fight those ED thoughts and reach out and let someone help me. I just wish I was able to do this more often. But I did it today, and that's all that matters right now, in this moment.

Monday, March 22, 2010

how to deal??

gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing! gaining weight is a good thing!

So why does it consume me and overwhelm me with feelings of self-consciousness, being out of control, anxiety, and fear?

And why does it feel like such a bad and negative and scary thing to me - if it's supposed to be such a good thing???

Saturday, March 20, 2010

affirmation time!!

I usually tend to struggle a lot with affirmations because I tend to not believe them & I feel like a hypocrite when my actions and beliefs (...ed's beliefs...) don't always support these statements - but I guess that is the whole point of them. They are meant to be repeated over and over and over... to yourself until they become truths and beliefs instead of the lies that are stuck in your mind. So, considering where my whole thought process has been lately (and it only seems to be getting worse) I know it's a good time to give affirmations another go! I wrote out a bunch of them and posted them above the mirror in my room so I can look at them, read them, say them outloud - every morning as I am getting ready for the day. Also, anytime I walk into my room I can walk over and read them. I made them eye level so they are easy to see.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I believe these statements but I hope that if I really give these affirmations a honest try in my recovery and give them a chance - they will sink into my brain and replace the ED thoughts that I struggle with. So here are some of the affirmations I have on my wall.

* Each day is a step closer to recovery & health.

* I love my body & I will embrace it!

* I am giving my body the portions it needs to maintain a healthy weight.

* I am strong for choosing treatment!

* I am strong for choosing recovery!

* I will not let food or weight define my self-worth.

* I will be patient with myself.

* I am surrounded & protected by love.

* I am loveable & I am loved.

* I am building physical strength to be able to cope with emotional needs.

* I deserve to eat. I deserve to be happy and healthy.

* My identity will be beautiful no matter its size.

* I have the will, strength, & desire to continue working on recovery.

* I need to trust my body & allow it to heal.

* You are who you are, not who you used to be.

* Everyone has a different body, perfect & unique to them.

* My body is a miracle. It is a blessing to care for and nourish it with food.

* When I think about my body - I think positively.

* Both my physical & emotional well-being literally depend on my healthy choices.

* I am ready to say goodbye to the me of the past & hello to the healthy new me.

* It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be sad. It's not okay to ruin something important like my health when I am upset.

* If I am thinking only of food & weight - what am I avoiding thinking?

* It is my right & my joy to achieve & maintain a healthy weight.

* I deserve to reach & maintain a healthy weight.

* I choose to eat. I choose recovery. I choose life!

* I am beautiful. I gratefully accept the body that is mine.

* Too much or too little food numbs my feelings & erases (takes away) my ability to be free & alive.

* I am beautiful inside & out.

* Day by day, in every way, I am acheiving a healthy weight.

* There is a strong, intelligent, & capable person inside of me. I am letting her take over my life more & more each day as I am ready.

* I accept you, my body, & I will do everything I can to support you in healing & recovery.

* Do the next right thing.

* Food is neither good nor bad. But in moderation, all foods provide nourishment for my body, mind, & soul.

* I will trust myself to make food choices that consider my body, mind, & soul.

oh snap!

I am seriously feeling annoyed at the moment, and I am sitting in front of a computer so I need to vent for a minute...

The doctor that I mentioned in the previous post, just snuck up on me a few minutes ago. When I talked to him yesterday and he found out I was volunteering here, I think I made a mistake of telling him the days I volunteer -friday and saturdays. And now I guess he feels the need to check up on me(??) He walked up and started talking to me again. He asked if I have been drinking lots and lots of water (because he is my kidney doctor) and I said with a big smile on my face "Yep, I sure am!" He looked at my desk and said "I don't see any water..." Busted!!! He said he would watch my desk while I went and bought me some water at the cafeteria and also told me that he wants to see a snack in my hand as well when I come back. Was that really necessary? How old am I again? I just hope that this doesn't become a habit for him. I know he has better things to do than worry about me and whether I am eating enough, drinking enough, and "being good". I was really tempted to bring back a diet coke instead of water (cause I am not supposed to be drinking caffeine because of my kidneys) but I didn't. I am trying to work on being more compliant and non-defiant when it comes to people on my treatment team. So I brought back a big water bottle and a huge muffin!

I know he means well, and he does have a point because I struggle to drink the amount of water he wants me too, and lay off of the caffeine but... when I am here volunteering, I want to be just another regular person - NOT a girl with an ED and lots of health problems...is that expecting too much?? It seems like everywhere I go, I somehow am still the girl with the ED. I can't get away from it!

Friday, March 19, 2010

damn pants!!!

I have been feeling super anxious all day because the pants that I am wearing today feel tight. Eff! I hate when my pants feel tight because my fears and anxiety of feeling & being fat are just more confirmed in my head when my clothes feel tight. I hate gaining weight. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling bloated. I hate feeling out of control - because it makes me feel so damn anxious. But... according to my treatment team, I still have so much weight to gain... (and this fact alone overwhelms me and gives me incredible anxiety!!) And the healthy part of my mind (as small as it is right now) tries so hard to get me to recognize, understand, and believe this... so the fact that this pair of pants is tight on me - is a good thing(?)... I just can't cope with it! And all I think and obsess about is losing the extra poundage so that this pair of pants are loose on me again - because then I will be in control again...


I love my volunteer job! (which is where I am right now). I do, but I don't love that it is the same hospital that a lot of my E.R. visits and my hospital stays have been. So when I am here working, I am constantly on the lookout for any doctors or nurses who know about me about my ED and all of the time I have spent here because of it. I do enjoy being here though, because it makes me feel useful and needed. And it's a great distraction from my thoughts when I am feeling overwhelmed! And it's a healthy and positive way to spend some of my time each week. I am here twice a week to help out where I am needed.

And I have done really well when it comes to avoiding these certain people until 30 minutes ago... when of all people for me to run into - it had to be the primary doctor from when I was admitted here last fall. I tried to pretend like I didn't see him but he recognized me and came up to talk to me and see how I was doing. Let's just say -awkward(!!)... Because I wasn't the happiest or most compliant patient when I was here and he was in charge of taking care of me - I am usually not happy or compliant when it comes to hospitals, doctors, and that whole situation so it's embarrassing for me to see them (out and about in "normal" situations, and they are probably wondering why I am volunteering here and helping take care of other people when I can't even bloody take care of myself!) because they probably think I am a crazy girl! And I am obviously struggling (still)... you can tell just by looking at me so I know he didn't believe me when I said "I am doing great! I am really well!" He is a really nice doctor, and I still have to see him occasionally for him to check up on my kidneys but still!... I am trying to act like a normal person here, and I want to be recovered and doing really well when I see these people! Eff! I guess I can't expect to be able to hide from all these people so I might as well accept that I will see them, and they will see me struggling, and they will think I am a failure and that I can't get it together when it comes to recovery and my health. And I will just have to accept feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, guilty, ect. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, I guess.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

standing ovation from me to you!

I just want to say that I am so proud of my 12 year old niece, Arianna, who did so awesome in her school play last night! Bless those kids hearts for having the courage to get up there and do their thing! It wasn't perfect and it reminded me that life doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable or fun! They were not afraid to get up there and fail, and when they messed up...they kept going!
These middle schoolers taught me a huge lesson. I am a person who has held myself back from so many opportunities because I was afraid of failing or of not being perfect. I have a lot of regrets in my life because of this, and I still struggle with this fear today. But I am working on it, and if these young kids can do it... maybe I can too.

snack of the day!

In my on-going efforts to break away from my very limited list of "safe foods" and discover new (and sometimes scary) foods... I have come across my new favorite thing to snack on.

Drumroll please...........

Cinnamon goldfish crackers and vanilla goldfish crackers! Mmm, they are super yummy and I am loving them! And they have less sodium then the regular cheddar ones (that I used to eat all the time, and still like to eat occasionally) which is always a huge bonus because my body loves to retain water anytime I eat salty foods (which causes me to be very afraid of foods that contain more salt then my ED has told me is okay to have...) I have also tried the pretzel ones but they have an insane amount of sodium (well, that's what the ED has convinced me of...) So I am unable to eat those without feeling anxiety and guilt, even though they do taste yummy.

It's not often, especially lately, that I am able venture off of my "safe foods" list and find a new item that I not only enjoy eating but don't feel guilty eating! Me enjoy food and not feel anxious or guilty when I eat? I know, it's a crazy concept! There are not very many foods that I can say this about, but these 2 cracker flavors are one of them. And I hope that as I move forward in my recovery, my "safe foods" list will grow and grow and grow!

I don't know if any of you have tried these flavors but I highly recommend them. : )

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

my box

My therapist always talks to me about the importance of being able to "feel my feelings" and being able to sit with them and then move on. But I am not good at that. When those feelings that cause hurt, pain, fear, anxiety, insecurity all come to the surface - I don't handle it well and I turn to my ED to cope. I am trying to work through them with my treatment team, and in my daily life, but... the result of my attempts are what happened to me this past weekend when too many feelings come at the same time. I feel unable to handle them. They are too overwhelming. And I crash and burn.
So, I do my best to try to keep them inside their box. I tie a pretty bow on it and try to make it look like there are not scary and horrible things inside it. But looks can, and do, deceive.
How I am supposed to move on and recover when I am unable to cope with all that is inside this box??? I don't like this box and I don't like what is inside. I wish I could just get rid of it somehow without having to keep opening it up and going through it because I don't have the strength I need to cope with these kinds of feelings, memories, and emotions. I have spent most of my life trying desperately to keep these feelings inside my box...
Feeling my feelings, sitting with them, and coping with them is so unnatural to me. I haven't gone through life being able to cope with all that's in my box like most normal people, and my ED is a result of that, because I've turned to it since I was a young girl. But I've got to do it! I have to figure out how to cope because this box can't and won't go away. We all have a box, it's a part of life - so I need to learn to be able to live with this box and be okay with this box.

Monday, March 15, 2010

overcome with feelings...but not the good ones.

I am doing...better.

I have had a rough few days (to say the least). Lately, I have been feeling enormous anxiety & depression from all my stupid health problems that are trying to take over my body, mind, and soul - and they are winning by the way. I have also been struggling emotionally and I have just been exhausted from trying to keep my head up and that brave smile plastered to my face...

I just want to be done with all this! I want to wash my hands of anorexia and leave it behind me, without picking it back up or running back to it! Is that too much to ask???

So... already feeling feelings that I prefer to keep hidden away and numb from (but the stinkers like to sneak out and creep up on me), I went to my doctor appointment on Thursday and all these feelings (I hate feeling my feelings! I hate it, hate it, hate it!) started to overflow from the cup I am trying to keep them all in somehow without spilling...

My doctor is frustrated with my inability to stop certain behaviors. Trust me, I am frustrated too!! We talked about a lot of stuff (actually, she did most of the talking this time while I just timidly sat there with my head down, trying to keep the tears to a minimum and listened while she lectured me and kept telling me how I know better and that things need to change quick or more action will need to be taken.) ...seriously, let's stop with all the threats... because that is something I am all too familiar with when it comes to treatment and it just reminds me that: I am not good enough, I am not doing enough...and my fears of being "fired" or "dropped" from yet another person in my life come raging back to the surface.

Then in therapy on Friday morning, I felt the same frustration from him. I think they are frustrated because I know what I need to do...so I should just do it already and stop with all this nonsense! I wish I could! Yes, I do know what I need to do, but lately, I can't seem to do it! And I am not sure these people are understanding that, or maybe they are just tired of dealing with me... I am constantly in fear of them giving up on me and dropping me as a patient because it has happened (too many times) before from medical professionals and people in my personal life....

I had already been feeling a lot of emotions, discouragement, and fear - and my doctor's appointment and therapy session just added to those feelings. I left therapy on Friday feeling like such a weak person who was failing miserably at recovery and my attempts at getting my life back on track. I ended up not going to the overnight church retreat to a cabin (with the other gals from church) because I didn't want to deal with all the food that would be there (because that would have not only spilled the cup... I probably would have dropped it!) and I just didn't have the energy to put on my brave happy face and pretend like everything was okay. Because it wasn't.

Somehow, I was able to drag myself out of bed on Sunday, and I went to church. I am so grateful that I made the choice to attend church because I felt someone whisper to me "things will be okay." And I know that whisper was from God, and I am grateful that He was able to push His way through all of the chaos in my head, and I am so grateful that I was able to hear it. Somehow, being at church that day and listening to the talks and just being around friends there who love me - took away some of those feelings. I felt God lift some of my burdens for me before they completely overtook me. Because I was done. I was ready to throw in the towel.

I think I am doing okay now... the feelings are still there, they are just not as strong. And I am trying to stuff them back in their box where they are gone and can't hurt me. I am just trying to take things, usually it's one day at a time, but over the past few days it's been more like one hour or even one moment at a time.

I want to thank everyone for all of their support and love for me because feelings were so strong and I got through it because of knowing there are people out there who care about me and want me to be happy and recovered. And also the slow but ever-growing faith in God and his love for me. I need Him in my life.

Friday, March 12, 2010

nothing to say but...

I am hurt.
I am broken.
I am unrepairable.
I am tired.
I am dizzy.
stop this ride, I wanna get off!

Monday, March 8, 2010

my list of 100

A few friends have done these lists on their blogs and it has inspired me to come up with my own list. It's 100 things I want to do in the next 5 years. Some of these things I have done before, and some I haven't but I am excited about my list and I can't wait to start crossing things off and having fun along the way!

1. learn to trust myself and others.
2. take ballet classes again.
3. learn to cook.
4. feel the fear and do it anyway!
5. reach and maintain a healthy weight!
6. finish writing my first book.
7. go to the temple.
8. have an 80's movies marathon.
9. learn how to add spices, herbs, and seasonings to foods.
10. take kickboxing classes.
11. go back to school and finally get my degree.
12. set healthy boundaries with people.
13. get married.
14. have a baby.
15. be healthy enough so I am able to get pregnant and carry a baby full term.
16. gain a testimony of the gospel.
17. bear my testimony in church.
18. buy myself a new sewing machine.
19. spend more time with my family.
20. host a surprise party for someone I love.
21. finally get my own laptop.
22. go on a road trip with friends.
23. join a book club.
24. no longer feel guilty or anxious when I eat foods that are not on my "safe foods" list.
25. buy me a dress form (which I want so bad).
26. write letters and cards to family and friends and mail them (people never do this anymore...)
27. take yoga classes with my older sister.
28. own over 100 pairs of shoes!
29. write an inspirational / recovery song.
30. get more involved in charity work.
31. go an entire week wearing the first thing I put on in the mornings.
32. have a game night with all my siblings.
33. start attending 12 step groups again & make those steps a part of my daily recovery and life.
34. go on a shopping spree!
35. love my body - no matter it's size!
36. open up and be more social.
37. take a vacation to New York City
38. be a mentor for young girls struggling with ED's.
39. attend church regularly.
40. cook a guy dinner.
41. believe that I deserve to be happy.
42. adopt a puppy.
43. go rock climbing.
44. open up my own clothing boutique or be working in fashion in some way.
45. let go of my past and the things that hurt and finally be able to move forward.
46. develop and master healthy coping skills that do not involve my ED.
47. get a massage.
48. see the nutcracker.
49. see swan lake.
50. start a gratitude journal.
51. have a thanksgiving, christmas, new years, season without any ED drama.
52. crochet/knit a blanket.
53. get Real soccer season tickets.
54. get a pedicure.
55. love and embrace my tummy inside and out (no matter what!).
56. see a broadway play.
57. read the miracle of forgiveness.
58. go to a concert.
59. sing karaoke.
60. get a tattoo (a small one).
61. paint a painting on a canvas and hang it up.
62. go to a comedy club.
63. go to the beach on the west coast.
64. go to the beach on the east coast.
65. color a whole coloring book.
66. collect recipes.
67.visit brother and sister-in-law in Illinois.
68. visit sister and brother-in-law in New York.
69. have a picnic at the park.
70. get more involved in genealogy and research my ancestors and "where I'm from".
71. finish my inspiration collage, frame it, and hang it up.
72. dance and play in a rainstorm!
73. go to an amusement park.
74. finish my scrapbooks.
75. find and work at a job/career that I enjoy.
76. go to a live taping of one of my favorite talk shows.
77. go to New York City for fashion week!
78. learn to embrace my imperfections.
79. walk around temple square during the christmas holiday.
80. go swimming and feel comfortable in my bathing suit.
81. get a subscription for the ensign.
82. make drapes for the two windows in my room.
83. have a lifetime movies marathon.
84. get out of debt (pay off all medical bills).
85. go to the park and swing!
86. donate blood (be healthy enough to...)
87. try new foods.
88. find a partner and start to play tennis again.
89. learn how to do my own taxes (so my dad doesn't have to keep doing them).
90. buy me some cute victorias secrets underwear.
91. spend a day at the zoo.
92. free-lance write for magazines and other publications.
93. get University of Utah gymnastics season tickets.
94. eat at a restaurant with friends and enjoy it without panicking or having extreme anxiety.
95. catch snowflakes on my tongue.
96. go to the park with my nieces and nephews.
97. go ice skating.
98. learn to not obessively re-organize things.
99. help raise ED awareness.
100. in the next five years I hope to be living a life without my eating disorder!

Friday, March 5, 2010

exercise confessions

A couple of days ago in group we talked a lot about exercise. How to intuitively exercise, how to know if we are doing it too much, how to know if we are doing it for the right reasons, ect. Well, that group got me thinking a lot about my own thoughts and feelings about exercise, because every time I attempt to start exercising again (after the "exercise ban" has been lifted from my treatment team...and sometimes before it has been lifted...), I start off with good intentions but it quickly turns into an obsession and I am exercising too much! 

I guess I just need to accept the fact that I can't exercise, and I probably never will be able to. And when I say "exercise" what I mean is: going to the gym, running outside, doing my exercise dvd's at home, ect. Because if I am being honest here... the only reason I am doing any of these things is to burn calories and lose weight! As much as I try to deny it to myself and others - that is the honest truth : ( And even though I keep thinking that "this time" will be different... it never is. So, if any of you see me doing any of the above mentioned things, you will know I am trying to burn calories. (I am just putting it out there to hopefully prevent me from engaging in these exercise behaviors, because I know people will know what I am doing is not in my best interest in regards to recovery and my health.)
But this doesn't make me weak...does it??? I am trying not to think that way. I am trying to tell myself that I am strong for admitting my temptations when it comes to exercise. I don't know if I have fully accepted this fact yet, but I am working on it.

Of course this doesn't mean that I can't find other healthy ways to exercise. I love to dance, especially ballet, so I can do that for exercise. I love recreational sports. I love taking walks outside when the weather is nice. So I can find things that I enjoy to do for exercise.
The thing that bothers me though is the fact that ANY type of movement makes me think of the calories I am burning... I hate that my mind does this but it's automatic and ingrained in my brain. It's like, even when I am cleaning the house, walking up the stairs, going shopping, ect - I am thinking about the calories I am burning...sometimes more intensely than other times but it's always there and I hate it!! But... I do have to say that when I am doing these fun things for exercise, those obsessive thoughts are not nearly as strong and intense as when I am doing the dvds, the gym, the running...

I am jealous of people who are able to do these things and do it in a healthy way. I would love to go to the gym or go running and not over-do it. (it hasn't happened yet) I would love to do my dvd's once or twice a week instead of every day or even twice a day. (this definitely hasn't happened yet...) And I need to not be sneaky and try to do these things when no one else is home, or close my door and exercise in my room... because if I have to sneak around to do it, I am doing something I shouldn't be doing - and we all know this is true!

I need to learn to accept the fact that I can't exercise, and more importantly, be okay with it. 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Love...

...Wednesdays! They are my most favorite day of the week!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

just gotta "keep on truckin!"

Even though things seem bad right now, I can't give up! I can't and I won't!! Something we are told constantly in treatment and recovery is "Progress Not Perfection" and that is something that I need to keep in mind - especially during the hard times and try not to let myself get so discouraged and overwhelmed when I feel like I am drowning in the anorexia. Recovery is not black & white! There is a whole lot of gray up in there and we have to find that gray! 

I just need to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one moment at a time if I need to. But the important thing is to not give up...ever! And to be able to lean on people for support and let them help me when I feel like I am drowning.

Monday, March 1, 2010

this girl can't do it

For the past 3(ish) months I have cut back drastically on treatment. Why, you ask? Let's think about that question for a moment here...

1- At that time, last Novemeber(ish), I had been feeling treatment burnout in a big way and needed a break (?) Because over these past few years I have been in major treatment overload (which brings us to the next point which is...)
2- I felt I was becoming too dependent on treatment programs and my lovely team of therapist, dietitian, and multiple doctors. I need to learn to do it on my own, don't I? I need to learn to cut those safety strings of treatment. I can't be in treatment forever.
3- The money thing of course is always an issue. I have already spent insane amounts of money (as have my parents too) and have gone into debt.
4- I wanted to try to live some sort of a normal (?) life.
And where has this almost non-existent treatment program left this girl? Not in a good place. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit this here on my blog because I feel like I am letting so many people down but I feel like over the past few months I have been falling back into the mental mindset of pre-recovery and that my ED is back in the driver's seat with me struggling in my attempts to gain even some of the control. I hate this state of mind I am in, I hate this feeling. And I hate feeling like the only time I am able to be in any sort of "recovery place" in my life is when I am in intensive treatment programs. I don't want to be in treatment forever. I want to move on and forward with my life. So why can't I? What is wrong with me?? I feel so weak and I feel like the ED is suffocating me! This carousel ride needs to stop because I want off! I just don't know how to get off, and more importantly, I don't know if I am actually strong enough to not only get off - but stay off!  Because up to this point in my life everything is telling me and showing me that I can't.