Saturday, August 28, 2010

i may have fallen down... but i've already started getting back up!

I am in the process of trying to find a new treatment team. And it's definitely a process. But I feel like I need a change, a new direction from where my old tx was leading me. I am also hesitant because it's been a few months (since I suddenly treatment) and I don't want to become too dependent on treatment again like I have in the past (and a couple of the last tx relationships ended kind of badly, as some of you might remember- and it still kinda hurts) but I also understand & recognize that I do need to be back in the care of a treatment team right now to make sure I get back on track medically, nutritionally, emotionally... until I am able to take care of myself better in these areas.

I want desperately to be strong enough in my own recovery (and as a regular every day functioning adult...hello!) to NOT have to rely on treatment but I am also aware that as I am taking this huge step forwards in my recovery - I am going to NEED the support of a really good treatment team behind me. Because there are still behaviors that I am struggling with right now. And feelings that are and will be coming to the surface that I am not prepared to face. And I know I am going to need their support, guidance, & care as I let go of the hurt I have held inside for soooo long. I am going to be facing some things that are painful. And it's going to hurt. Alot. And I am afraid. But I will face them! And I will "feel the fear and do it anyway!" Because only through healing, letting go of the pain, and learning to "feel my feelings" is how I am going to truly break away from the powerfully strong grasp that this illness has on me. It's the only way. But then, finally, I will break through to the other side. The side that has been waiting for me to find the courage to fight through all the fears & the yuckiness. The side I have felt I could never belong to - because I felt I was forever trapped inside this life of food & weight & control...

I am nervous about facing some truths at the doctors office. Not really looking forward to this one. At all. Like I said, it's been a few months since I have been in any sort of treatment or medical care, which means, it's been a while since I have had any blood work or labs done. And despite all of my hard work and effort during these past few months in trying to reach and maintain a healthy weight (and I WAS actually starting to make progress in this area, by the way) - this recent relapse has caused my weight to drop back down pretty low again. Plus, all of the usual physical signs & symptoms - I know my labs & blood work can't be that it's time to face the music. Put on my brave face and admit that "yes, I have once again failed, but I am picking myself back up, dusting myself off, and trying again."

So even though I might be further back than I would like to be, it's okay. Because I know I am going to be okay. Things are going to turn around, things are going to get better. I have an amazing family who loves me. They reminded me of that during our family vacation recently. They can see through the illness to that girl I have always been. That girl who has been lost, struggling to break free... they can see her. They have never stopped loving her, and they have never stopped fighting for her! And I have amazing friends who love me, support me, and just want their friend "jenn" back. I want her back too! I just need to find her. And I will!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

this girl is okay

i want to scream and shout it from the rooftops! i want to dance in the rain and cry endless tears of relief and joy! i feel like something inside me has awakened. i feel God, and i feel Him whispering to me that "it's okay now to LET GO..." of the things that have kept me clinging to the eating disorder for so long. i feel like i have finally received an answer to the desperate prayer that has been in my soul for SO many years. and i feel like now, i am finally ready to start letting go of the anorexia, and start reaching out to LIFE!

and i think i am going to finally be able to start letting go.
i am ready to finally start moving on and TRULY begin to heal.
i am ready to find MY own voice - so i can start to sing my song again.

i don't want to go into too many details right now (most of it happened during a family vacation a week ago, and since then) because these feelings are all still SO new and overwhelming to me (and i am sooooo afraid that these feelings are going to suddenly just disappear almost as quickly as they came into my life) - but i just wanted to say that i am okay, i am hopeful, i am... HAPPY.


Friday, August 13, 2010

i miss...

i am struggling so much right now but...
i hope i will be able to be back and writing on here again very soon.
i still try to read everyone's blogs as often as i can!

i very much miss not being on here - as I miss all of you.
i miss all of your love and support,

and i miss the powerful therapeutic tool that can be achieved when i express my thoughts and feelings with words.