Friday, September 3, 2010

and it begins with creamy mango loaf cake!

A new challenge, goal, assignment, experience... that I will be working on in treatment is to learn how to cook and bake! I have had a very unhealthy & distorted relationship with food since I was 13 years old and I am hoping that through learning to cook (from planning the menus, buying the groceries, preparing the food, doing the actual cooking, sitting down and eating the meal, ect) it will be another way I am able to continue to heal and strengthen my relationship with food.

My mom & I got me a recipe book that is simple but also has some challenging ones too. And then as I progress, I will move on to more difficult recipes - but I need to start out s l o w l y because this is really going to be challenging for me and it's going to cause lots of uneasiness, discomfort, & anxiety for me on so many levels!!! I was never one of those anorexics who loved to cook all the time for other people. I am the complete opposite. I tend to have a lot of anxiety, panic, & fear when I am around food. Throughout my illness I was always in fear that people would force me to eat things that weren't one of my "safe" foods and so my solution to that was to just avoid food, cooking & social situations that involved food as much as I could...(it sounds pretty lonely, I know - but it was, and it still is but it's how I coped with my life and my emotions & feelings) and that is one of the biggest reasons why I have never really learned how to cook, and why this is going to be a big challenge for me! But that is also why I need to do this challenge. To conquer my food demons. My fears. And take more steps towards freedom and recovery! So...

I am nervous.

But I am excited!

So here I go!!

A few days ago, I cooked, well baked, my first recipe. I picked creamy mango loaf cake. I picked it because mango is one of my favorite fruits! Mmm, I love me some mangos! It also seemed fairly simple and... okay, confession time... it was a fat free recipe (I know what y'all are going to say - but I already feel guilty about it. I am not proud of the fact that I let the ed in so easily on the very first recipe. But all of this cooking stuff overwhelms me and making something that was fat free was how I calmed the anxiety I was feeling! I am not saying it was the right way, but it was what I did. But it's over. I can't change it. I can only "do the next right thing." ) Anyways, I went to the store and picked up the ingredients and then headed over to my parents house where my mom was there to supervise and support me in the beginnings of this new journey. She also proudly got out her camera to capture this rare moment on film! LOL. Seriously though, I think it's a bit exciting for her to see this daughter of hers (who has struggled so much) actually in the kitchen surrounded by food, cooking, learning, and trying to enjoy the whole experience of it instead of running off somewhere else trying to avoid food and everything about it! I will get there mama... I will!!

Except for the fat free nonsense & a bit a anxiety (which was expected) - the first attempt was a success! The parents were more than happy to sample the finished product, and so were my roommates when I brought it home! Yippee! I am so glad that it tasted good and people liked it! I even had a slice of it myself!! And I have to say... it was delicious :)

I did it!!

Tonight, I am planning on attempting garlic lime shrimp pasta. And on the menu for this next week is:
  • peachy ginger chicken
  • crepes with berries
  • grape tomato mozzarella salad
  • almond spinach salad