Life has been a little rough for me during these last few weeks. There have been a lot of unexpected bumps in the road, and I am trying to hold on to my recovery as I feel myself falling a bit back into the eating disorder. Thankfully, I have caught myself, and others have caught me as I have slipped, so I am still on track for the most part.
But lately, I find myself having to fight a lot harder to not give in or slip back into the behaviors. I don't like it. It makes me very nervous of what could happen, and what has happened in the past. I hate that when things start to crumble in parts of my life, or I feel overwhelmed with certain feelings (insecurity, stress, fear, ect) my first thought (whether I listen to it or not) usually still is to run to the eating disorder to help cope or numb it out.
I want SO much for this part of my brain to be erased. Because even though, I have been strong enough these past few months to not give in to those thoughts - they are still there! And in my moments of weakness... I do give in. And it still scares me because I don't want to ever go back to where I was for nearly half my life. I love my life now, I love recovery! So why do I still want (or feel like I need) my eating disorder during the hard times?? Why can't I let it go completely and never run to (or think of running to it) ever again?