Monday, August 29, 2011

the way recovery ((and life)) feels at times...

she says: "I don't know what
to believe."

he says: "sometimes... you just need to believe."

Sunday, August 14, 2011

you'll get through this... one day at a time

"Try not to worry. Try to look at what you're going through as a challenge rather than an obstacle, a time to develop patience. To achieve more objectivity, detach yourself from the struggle. Have confidence in yourself, and realize that you can change your attitude even if you can't change the circumstances.

Look closely at your troubles. Don't let them cause you to give up! Befriend them and learn from them. Allow them to teach you what you want to know and move on. Try not to be afraid. You're a survivor. You're going to handle this. You're going to find strength that you didn't know you had, and grace to deal with whatever comes along. Then, when you're on the other side, you will look back on this time in your life and draw strength from the knowledge that even though the road was rocky, you persevered and carried on."

The Language of Recovery
Donna Fargo

Thursday, August 4, 2011

striving to be an intuitive eater

Intuitive eating is still a concept that I am working every day on becoming more comfortable with. I still have my bad days, the days I struggle with it... but I am getting closer every day. When it was first introduced to me from my treatment team... It straight up terrified me! I thought that there was no way I would EVER be able to trust my body and eat intuitively. Because that meant I would have to let go of the control I was desperately trying to hold on to. It sounded impossible! My eating disorder was all I knew...and now people were expecting me to just let go of that and trust them, trust my body, and trust this foreign (fear & anxiety inducing!) concept called intuitive eating? "No way... I can't!!" And for a long time, that was something I never thought I could do. I thought I would be forever trapped, and forever controlled by the eating disorder.

Disordered Eating is: 
• Rigid
• Dictated by rules
• Ignores physical cues for eating
• Very judgmental and associated with feelings of guilt and shame
• Cues to eat or not eat are based on external factors or from the head, not the body

Intuitive Eating is:

 • Flexible
• Dictated by whether or not y
ou are hungry or full
• Allows you to enjoy a wide-variety of foods, without guilt or shame
• Cues to eat are largely based on your physical need and cravings for certain types of food

It took a long time, lots of ups and downs, steps forwards and steps backwards, but I am becoming more of an intuitive eater every day. It's still a process, I still have a ways to go - but I am getting there. And that's the important thing. And one of the biggest changes I have noticed is that I am no longer fearful of it. I welcome it with open arms. Naturally, there still are those times when I struggle, and the ed convinces me to revert back to my old eating habits... but I try to not let that discourage me. I remind myself to "do the next right thing" and try to get back on track the best I can. I am more aware, I know better now, and I am strong enough in my recovery to know that the best way for me to feel happy, healthy, & free is to continue striving for the goal of becoming an intuitive eater. I know I will get there! And all of you who are also fighting every single day to break free from the tight - deadly - hold that your ed has on you... I know you will get there too. I truly believe that. With all my heart.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

injured and feeling restless

A week ago, while I was at the gym, I pulled some muscles in my thigh pretty badly. I have been trying to rest as much as I can (well, trying to at least...) but it's been hard for me. I am an active person. I am not good at being sedentary for too long before I want to get up and do something! I know I need to let my body heal and recover before I try to be too active... but even walking around or sitting in certain positions are painful. I am getting very restless. And it's affecting my mood :(

I have been feeling anxious about not being able to exercise at all for a couple of weeks... maybe longer... Which makes me wonder if I am starting to become addicted to exercising again, or if I just miss the "feel good" endorphins I get from my workouts. I don't know. Maybe my body is using this as a way to warn me that I have been pushing myself too much. Or maybe it's just a stupid, annoying injury and has nothing to do with over-exercising. I don't know. It does make me wonder though.

I am trying to listen to my body, be patient, & do what I need to to take care of it - because my body knows what it needs to heal itself, and I need to trust my body! (which is still really hard for me sometimes). But maybe this is my body testing me and saying "Okay Jenn, let's see how you handle this roadblock. Are you gonna listen to me and trust me this time, or are you gonna let the ed thoughts creep back in and try to take control?"