Monday, April 30, 2012

Hungry for Change

(= The Hungry for Change blogger challenge starts tomorrow =)  

Every morning there will be a topic to blog about for that day.  The goal is to do 31 posts in 31 days during the month of May.  I am going to do my very best to blog every day... but if I miss a day or two then I will make sure to double up the next day.  I think this is a great challenge and I hope that it will spread more awareness and getting people talking about eating disorders and recovery!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

All That Is Bitter & Sweet

I'm reading a book right now that is holding my heart captive.  Ashley Judd is such an inspiration to me.  She is an amazing, strong, and loving women and there are so many things in her book that I have been able to relate to (and also things that I have been able to apply to my own recovery and life) and there are so many parts of this book that I could quote.  But this part really stood out to me and it's something that I have experienced in my own recovery and life.  I think we all have.  Recovery isn't a magical fix, but a tool for us to regain our lives and use healthier ways to cope and express ourselves and our feelings.  

She is also an inspiration to me for all of the humanitarian work she does, and you can tell that she is doing it for the right reasons.  One of my goals & hopes in my life is to do humanitarian work and get involved in something like UNICEF... that has been one of my biggest dreams for a while now.

"It would have been wonderful if six weeks in treatment could have magically erased all of my difficulties, but it doesn't work that way.  Recovery is a process, lived one day at a time as a reprieve, not a "cure".  It does not promise me perpetual, emotional equanimity (what sort of life would that be, anyhow?)  It does guarantee me a design for living that works under all conditions, a process I can count on always, and healthy ways for me to feel all my feelings safely.  The lived effects of abuse and trauma do not vanish overnight, and neither do the coping behaviors developed over decades in an attempt to manage such deep wounding.  I had already noticed that a few of my stress-induced habits had reemerged during my flight south.  At least now I could do a spot check of my behavior and self-correct."

(All That Is Bitter & Sweet - Ashley Judd)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

body image blues (part 2)

Lately, i have really been struggling with my body image and struggling to feel (and be) comfortable at the weight that I'm at. I really hate that I am struggling this much, and it's really leaving me feeling very frusterated. I have been working so hard to make peace with my body, to love and embrace my new curves, and to focus on the things my body let's me do now that I am healthy... And it was going really well for quite a while. A full year almost. And I was feeling relieved that I was able to cope with the weight restoration as well as I seemed to be doing. I still had those days when I struggled (we all do) but more often then not, I was happy and at peace with with my body.

But as the winter months rolled in a few months ago, so did some extra pounds. I didn't think these extra pounds would affect me the way that they are... but it's the only thing I can think of that is causing these feelings I am feeling about my body. I don't understand, and I have been fighting the ed thoughts and just trying to tell myself that I am healthy and happy and that I am fine. But sometimes, I don't feel fine about the way I look and I wish I could "just loose a few pounds... and get back to a more comfortable weight." But we all know what that almost always (or in my case... always) leads to. So...

I am trying my hardest to push those thoughts out of my head and to keep doing things to help increase my positive body image. It's just been really really tough lately. Blah. I feel frusterated. I know this is just a bump in the road. Another hurdle on my recovery journey. I just want to be rid of the ed thoughts, I want my freedom. I don't want to be at war with my body anymore. I want the thoughts of restriction and increased exercise to not invade my mind as frequently as they are. I feel discouraged. A little worried (if I'm being honest). And I hope that by vocalizing this, it will help the thoughts not hold as much power as they seem to be holding right now.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

soccer love

Besides the weather starting to get warmer, another thing that I love about this time of the year, is that it's the beginning of the season for major league soccer! I heart my Real Salt Lake boys and I looooove going to all of the games!

Last night was another home game and like always - it was so much fun! The energy, the excitement, & the love for the game from the fans in the stands (the best fans ever!!) and also from the players always make the games so much fun! It's gonna be another exciting season! =)

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

loving the sunshine

Over the past few weeks, there has been warm sunny days here and there and that means... that spring is coming soon!! (= And I am so happy =) Me and cold weather do not get along very well. I hate being cold, stuck inside, and it getting dark so early in the day. I love the warm sunny weather, being outside all the time, and daylight being around longer in the day. It's good for my mood and for my soul.

Today is really nice outside. And I feel happy. Going for a walk, playing basketball with my boyfriend, and laying outside reading... a great day today. I am so glad that winter is almost over.
It's time for warm sunny weather <3