Saturday, May 9, 2015

soccer vs lightening

I want to thank everyone who commented on my post.  It was so very helpful to me and it helped me to put things in perspective.  It's hard sometimes, because since I am not in treatment anymore - when bumps come up in my recovery, I am kind of on my own to figure them out and that can be hard at times.  I have my family and friends who are really really supportive, and I am able to talk to them about a lot of things, but sometimes it's hard for them to really understand certain things or ways that I am thinking or feeling.  Eating disorders and addictions are a hard thing for people to fully understand unless they have gone through it and it can feel lonely at times.  So it's always helpful to get advice from other people outside of my own head or my own thinking.  I think that is one reason why it's so important to be able to have people in recovery to talk to and who understand what you are going through.  So thank you :)  I feel a little better, but still wish that I was doing better than I am in this part of my recovery.  I just get so tired of my ED always finding ways to stick around.  But I just need to keep doing my best, recognize how far I have come, and always keep striving to strengthen myself in my recovery each day.

In other news, this happened this past Wednesday... 

I have been to soccer games in pouring rain, freezing cold weather, extreme heat, and even snow.  And there have been a handful of times when I have been at a game that had a delay because of lightening, but this past Wednesday was one of the craziest!!  It had started raining when we got there, and it started to come down a little harder right before the game with thunder in the background.  Well, then in the middle of the national anthem the lightening just went crazy!  As soon as the anthem ended, the players ran back into the locker room and the rain came pouring down (with a little hail mixed in).  So we all had to run for cover and, let me just say, that trying to crowd 20,000 plus people in limited covered spaces can be a hectic thing.  We had to wait an hour before we could go back to our seats (they can start the game 30 minutes after the last lightning strike), and by that time we were freezing and wet.  It rained pretty hard the whole game, so we were sitting in wet, cold clothes and shivering BUT... it was still so fun!  The crowd was into it, the players were into it, and it was a really fun game!  That's one thing I love about soccer.  I love the atmosphere and how into it everyone gets - even in that kind of weather, everyone is still having fun and enjoying the game!  Soccer games are the ONLY thing I will spend 3 hours in bad weather for.  But it was a memorable night for sure!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

will i ever get there?

Will I ever learn how to eat intuitively and mindfully? 

I am starting to think that I am never going to truly have peace with food and with my body.  I hate to admit this, and maybe it's just me feeling super discouraged and frustrated with myself.  But I just can't seem to get the hang of it.  Yes, I am doing pretty well in regards to my recovery.  And so it's hard to come out and say that I am still struggling so much with these two things.  Yes, I have maintained my weight for the last few years, and yes (most days) I am eating more than I did while I was struggling with my eating disorder.  But the obsessive thoughts about food and body image have never really gone away.  The guilt has never really gone away.  I've just gotten really good at trying to ignore it and not give in to those thoughts and instead do what I know I need to do to maintain my recovery.  I have felt like I've been letting myself down, and now admitting to it, I feel like I am letting other people down too.  I just don't know what to do when it comes to this part of my recovery.  I have been (and am doing) really well, I think... Or am I not allowing myself to see what's really happening?  I don't know how to let these thoughts go.  It gets tiring to continue to ignore them.  But that's what I have to keep doing I guess, and hopefully someday, I won't have to just keep trying to ignore these thoughts... but they will finally not even be around.  That's my hope.  And I don't want this to take anything away from my previous post, because I meant every word of it.  I am doing the best I ever have in recovery - these two things are just things that I can't seem to figure out for some reason.  And it concerns me, and frustrates me at times.  Especially lately.